Subject: Re: [I] Talmud
From: Mike Knell <mpk@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

In article <393e1a16.5189116@news.indigo.ie>, Daniel Goldsmith <danielgoldsmith@...> wrote:
>Nonono, young sir, no apologies required. All I meant was I didn't
>want to end up in some holy-war about Judaism -v- Christianity or some
>such.

OK, let's get the whole holy war over in one sentence:

The Bible is the contradictory but remarkably non-contradictory, verbatim
and entirely fabricated word of a being who doesn't exist, but dwells in
heaven and did and did not send his only begotten son, that whosoever
believeth in him should not perish, but shall have everlasting life, although
when you die the soul disappears, is reincarnated into a new body, and never
existed anyway although it now dwells in heaven or maybe in hell or possibly
in purgatory, limbo, valhalla, or among the flower people of the woods who
ripped off all their ritual and festivals from pagans anyway who in turn
had them handed down to them on Mount Sinai with some business involving
a burning bush, inspiring them to write a holy book simultaneously in ancient
hebrew, greek, arabic and sanskrit, because they could all understand all
languages anyway until the aforementioned deity took offence at the
assertion that the meek would inherit the earth, and smote them to
the four corners of the earth, making their languages mutually
incomprehensible at the same time, which is a bit of an irritation when
you aren't entirely sure what the Word was in the first place, let alone
whether the aforementioned book had five, thirty-nine, sixty-six, or
even eighty parts, but anyway it is all made up and only a fool would
believe in it enough that they could remember the names of all the gods,
although of course there's just one god anyway who is called... oh, I
forget the name, but what is important is that the nature of god is in us
all and in none of us simultaneously, science has disproved the existence
of any supernatural being anyway, you're running serious risk of burning
in hell if you don't allow yourself to be saved by the light that shineth
in the darkness (although the darkness comprehendeth it not) as well as
in the temple and around the world, thus proving as surely as Noah begat
Shem that heaven awaits nobody at all, or maybe those who observe the
Sabbath and eat not of the flesh of swine, meat in general, seafood, fish
except on Friday, alcohol or meat on Friday but eat bitter herbs and salt
at Christmas, diligently reading the Books of Dawkins and following the
path He set, and of course observing the feast of Eid al Yom Easter,
as the Lord has dictated, or would have dictated if he exists, which he
or she may do, although of course that should be "they" anyway as there
are a multitude of gods rather than just the one in most religions of
course, but my religion is the best as it's original, plagiarised,
borrowed, evolved, the opiate of the masses, the light of the world,
and just plain wrong in a strictly non-proselytisingly evangelical
way, _actually_.

Mike "miss anything?" K.

Subject: Eclipse
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis@...>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

There was a fantastic and very long total eclipse of the moon last
night, best seen in Melbourne and the longest period of totality for the
next thousand years.  The sky was clear and dry, the weather freezing
cold, the stars bright enough to burn, as I watched the brilliant full
moon gradually being consumed by the shadow of the earth.

I had the telescope out and I watched as the blinding disk slowly
darkened and took on the ghostly red color of earthlight.  I watched the
eerie spectre slowly tracking across the background of the Milky Way,
occulting several stars.  And right on the limb of the shadow of the
earth, just to spoil it all, you could see the shadow of some bastard in
South Africa making bunny ears.

Subject: Re: Specialty Daleks (was Re: Effect of Stunners on Society (was: mind-control)
From: sgvd@... (Simon van Dongen)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

On or about Sun, 16 Jul 2000 12:11:58 GMT, Danny Sichel wrote:

>William December Starr wrote:
>
>>>> Yeah, but you can get away from (Daleks) by using a set of stairs.  Or
>>>> exposed floor beams.
>
>>> Don't you remember they got around that little issue later?
>
>> And even before that, there was always the danger that they'd implement
>> an "If you can't climb the stairs, just exterminate the building"
>> policy (if only they could get the budget for it from the BBC :-)
>
>There's a potential joke here, if I can manage to think of a word
>pertaining to budgets/money/funding/economics which has the same
>scansion as "EX-TERM-IN-ATE".
>
Well, there's always the old motto (Marxist? Anarchist?) 'Expropriate
the expropriators'

"EX-PRO-PRI-ATE"

>.... no, can't think of one.
>
>Maoist Daleks would go "RE-ED-U-CATE! RE-ED-U-CATE!", and Jacobin Daleks
>would go "DE-CAP-I-TATE! DE-CAP-IT-ATE!', and Czech Daleks would go
>"DE-FEN-ES-TRATE! DE-FEN-EST-RATE!", and....

No, that last is the Linux Dalek

>(more?)

Plenty. There's the Vengeful White Russian Dalek: "EX-PA-TRI-ATE!
EX-PA-TRI-ATE!", the renegade Pacifist Dalek: "CA-PI-TU-LATE!
CA-PI-TU-LATE!", the Boastful Dalek: "EX-A-GE-RATE! EX-A-GE-RATE!",
the Small Business Dalek: "LOW INT-REST-RATE! LOW INT-REST-RATE!", the
Humpty Dumpty Dalek: "CO-A-GU-LATE! CO-A-GU-LATE!", the Anti-Green
Dalek: "EX-FO-LI-ATE! EX-FO-LI-ATE!", and of course, most feared of
all, the Dalek With A Hangover: "RE-GUR-GI-TATE! RE-GUR-GI-TATE!"

Subject: Re: Ben Parkers Gravesite
From: Paul O'Brien <paul@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.marvel.universe

In article <20000726012344.12369.00000081@ng-cr1.aol.com>, Almondbury
<almondbury@...> writes
>Anyone ever notice thay Ben Parkers gravestone seems to be in different parts
>of the cemetary when Peter goes to visit in different issues?

Well, it's a popular name and Peter's very stupid.

Subject: Re: *** DESPERATE *** - PLEASE HELP ME!!!
From: "Paul Skelcher" <skelch@...>
Newsgroups: rec.photo.equipment.35mm

<InGreatNeed@qlouapfhjhw.edu> wrote in message
news:CA3CABF33648D3.ddylkjsfoau@hqfqkjcvft.com...
> I need money, plain and simple... I'll be very direct about this.
> -
> I'm in the worst financial crisis of my life... I lost my job, my house
> and perhaps my family if I don't do something.
> -
> Please Please --- H E L P  M E !!!!!

Sell your computer

Subject: Re: Lookin 4 beatles song 2 lose virginity
From: dragunr2@... (Sydney Assbasket )
Newsgroups: rec.music.beatles

>I'm planning on losing my virginity soon. Yeah, I know, it's about time.
>What would be a few songs to lose it by? Ex I thought of:
>Not a second time!

So, who's the lucky hand?  Left or right?

Subject: Re: The Physics of Flight (was: ...
From: kayak <mjeNOmjSPAM@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

There's no such thing as "suction"; what you might call suction
is a pressure differential. A vacuum cleaner works because the
air pressure outside the hose is higher than the pressure in the
hose.

People still argue about how wings generate lift, and some will
look at the upped surface of the wing and cite Bernoulli, and say
the pressure differential is primary and some will look at the
lower surface and cite Newton. In many ways these are
observationally equivalent descriptions of what's happening.

The one constant is that helicopters don't actually fly at all.
They're so ugly the earth repels them.

Subject: Re: Corny Anti-Pickup Lines
From: John Kensmark <kensmark@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition

Dorothy J Heydt wrote:

> I said, "Look, I am a citizen of the United States of America.
> If you think I am going to get involved in somebody else's
> internal politics, think again."
>
> Which I guess translates as "No."

I think there's a certain irony there, which you probably didn't
intend.

Subject: Re: Central Castings books - a few questions
From: Ken St-Cyr <kenstcyr@...>
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc

On 26 Aug 2000, Justin Bacon wrote:

> My favorite bit about these homosexual debates is this: Either right before or
> right after one of the quotes the homophobes love to quote, there is a section
> in which we are told that if a child speaks back to their parents they are to
> be stoned.

I remember in high school me and my friends talking back to our
respective parents.  We were always stoned.

- Ken

Subject: Re: cyanide spammer justified?
From: nospam@... (Bob)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

On 6 Sep 2000 18:17:43 GMT, krueger@... (Alan Krueger)
wrote:

>Wonder how long until we (TINW) see this cited in certain spam runs:
>
>http://my.[deleted].com/news/story.tmpl?table=n&cat=0110&id=0009060636866687
>
><fair use>
>
>    Antisoma Says Plant Research Shows Cyanide May Fight Cancer

Cyanide also cures spamming.  In several test cases, taking doses of
cyanide effectively halted all spamming activity in the subjects.
Widespread distribution would cause a massive decrease in the amount
of spamming among the general population.

Subject: Re: Eyes in portrait paintings
From: ChrisActly@... (Chris)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

On 06 Sep 2000 07:40:45 GMT, in
<20000906034045.01954.00000329@ng-fq1.aol.com>, gilianfrye@...
(GilianFrye) wrote:

>What causes the "eyes that follow you" phenomena in portrait paintings?

The painting being on rubber, and falling apart.

"The eyes follow you around the room!" <s/fx> "Plop, boing, boing,
boing."

Subject: Re: => Guns save Abortion Clinic from attack ...
From: Joe <abuse@...>
Newsgroups: alt.law-enforcement, co.general, talk.politics.guns, us.legal

On Mon, 02 Oct 2000 14:50:10 GMT, msimon@... (M. Simon) wrote:
>On Sun, 01 Oct 2000 20:28:37 GMT, MelissaV@... (Melissa)
>wrote:
>>thomfk611@... (TomK) wrote in <8r7mn4$9ln$1@slb1.atl.mindspring.net>:
>>>Jerri Blavitt³ <no@...> wrote in message
>>>news:GuBB5.548$Oj3.618481@news.uswest.net...
>>>>
>>>> Priest crashes car into abortion clinic
>>>> He then swung ax in office until stopped by shotgun blasts
>>>
>>>I'm an ex-catholic and have never thought much of people who become priests,
>>>but  you gotta admire this guy's style.
>>
>>The one with the shotgun?
>
>Straight out of a Marlboro ad.

Wow, an almost perfect posting to generate a long thread filled with
rhetoric. It *almost* has it all:

- Religion
- Guns
- Abortion

It would be perfect if it included:

- Politics
- Economics
- Race

Imagine if the story was:

<Ethnicity-A> [Catholic] priest crashes car into abortion clinic <in
working-class neigborhood>. He then swung ax in office until stopped
by shotgun blasts <yielded by ethnicity-B, wealthy, <different
religion> clinic owner.

Oh, heck, let's get the car nuts involved, too, and make it really
interesting:

<Ethnicity-A> [Catholic] priest crashes [Ford] car into abortion
clinic <in working-class neigborhood>. He then swung ax in office
until stopped by shotgun blasts <yielded by ethnicity-B, wealthy,
<different religion> clinic owner, who arrived driving a Chevrolet.

(The priest later claims he crashed only because the Ford's Firestone
tires lost their tread. Ooops, wrong topic!)

Subject: Re: Req.: The perfect Perl Editor?
From: abigail@... (Abigail)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc

Mark-Jason Dominus (mjd@...) wrote on MMDLXXI September MCMXCIII
in <URL:news:39c139f5.4036$1d@news.op.net>:
;; In article <slrn8s0tfu.4t8.tim@degree.ath.cx>,
;; Tim Hammerquist <tim@...> wrote:
;; > pico
;;
;; I find pico impossible because it doesn't do line numbering.  When the
;; compiler says you have an error on line 57, you have to count 57 lines
;; down manually.  

This is a good reason to put everything on one line.

Subject: Re: American never land on the moon
From: "L'acrobat" <husky65@...>
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.military

"Laplace" <laplace@...> wrote in message news:39C764EF.965A43F8@hotkey.net.au...

> > Whilst these examples are compelling evidence of the scientific fraud that
> > the US has perpetrated, you seem to have left out the most critical
> > evidence - have a good look at the samples of "moonrock" - even without
> > scientific analysis it is clear that they are not made of green cheese.
>
> Moon rock is not an evidence for human moon landing. Many country can put a
> robot on moon to collect rock then send it back to earth.

Given that this would require a moon launch scale operation to remain secret
concurrently with a rock return mission to remain secret for 31 years
(whilst the US president can't keep a blowjob quiet for 6 months) I am not
convinced.

However I have uncovered one interesting piece of evidence of the US fraud -
neither Wallace nor Grommit mentioned seeing any Apollo hardware on the moon.

Subject: Re: Review-Spider Robinson _Callahan's Key_ (or The Last Straw)
From: Del Cotter <del@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

On Mon, 18 Sep 2000, in rec.arts.sf.written, James Davis Nicoll <jdnicoll@...> wrote:

>Johnny Pez wrote:
>> Given that Robinson has lived in Canada for the last two decades or more, one
>> has to wonder where he gets his information on the US government.  My guess
>> would be either PJ O'Roark, "The X-Files", or both.
>
>Live broadcast from the Whitehouse cameras 24/7. Yank-watching
>is a national sport up here.
>
>I can't believe that Starr only found out about Monica. Imagine
>if- but I don't want to spoil next season.

Ooh, I know that show.  Every four years the TV audience votes someone
out of the Whitehouse, right?

Subject: Re: IN THE NAME OF JESUS
From: "Niall McAuley" <Niall.McAuley@...>
Newsgroups: alt.atheism

Smapti wrote in message <20001009130353.25624.00002502@ng-fi1.aol.com>...
>Sooner or later, people are going to get Web access from Game Boys,

THE GODDAMN
TINY SCREEN
IS A PAIN,
THOUGH.

Subject: Re: John, Paul and who?
From: David Owen-Cruise <dowencruise@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.fandom

In article <8s5me6$44f$1@gw.dd-b.net>,
  rachael@... (Rachael Lininger) wrote:
> In article <8s2n8k$1b4$1@nnrp1.deja.com>,
> David Owen-Cruise  <dowencruise@...> wrote:
> > What I need is reading (and writing) time.  Grump.
>
> If you stare at cats for a long period, time will start to stretch.
> I've done it.
>
> Of course, it's hard to read while you're staring at a cat. Can you
> touch-type?

I've tried this.  All that comes out is, "Hungry.  Tuuuuuunnnnnnaaa
Feed me.  Staaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrving  Chicken?  Feed me NOW!"  Then I nap
for forty five minutes.

Very odd.

Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: "James Archer" <jarcher@...>
Newsgroups: alt.geek

"Methuselah Jones" <methuselahjones@...> wrote in message

> > For some odd reason I am picturing this:
> >
> > /Gwen walks up to synthesizer.  States Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot.
>
> The thing I always wondered was, if their computers are smart enough to understand
> "Tea, Earl Grey, hot" and produce a cup of it, why aren't they smart enough to
> recognize that it's Picard and remember that he likes hot Earl Grey tea?

Maybe he had cookies disabled.

Subject: Re: WI Prince Charles had a sex change.
From: Kevrob <kevrob@...>
Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if

rushtown@... (Rushtown) wrote:
>Could he then be Queen when his mom died?

Trust someone on SHWI to envision the one way we could consider
Charlie Saxe-Coburg to be even more unattractive than he is now.

Subject: Re: Hardwood Website
From: clay@... (Clay Irving)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc

On Thu, 2 Nov 2000 15:44:26 -0500, Tad McClellan <tadmc@...> wrote:
>On Thu, 02 Nov 2000 20:16:00 GMT, Elaine Ashton <elaine@...> wrote:
>>"Markus Humm" <mhumm@...> wrote in message
>>news:3A01173A.2C12D2BB@ba-mosbach.de...
>>> > Hardwood floors and more! See the natural beauty of hardwood flooring
>>and hardwood designs at
>>> why do you post that here?
>>> NO ONE HERE IS INTERESTED IN THAT!!!
>>
>>Actually, I was kinda disappointed it wasn't about Viagra.
>
>Women.
>
>Always only one thing on their mind...

Well, it does mention the beauty of hard wood...

Subject: Re: CGI Perl vs. Java Servlets...
From: merlyn@... (Randal L. Schwartz)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc

>>>>> "jesus" == jesus X <jesusx@...> writes:

>> Sorta like that old phrase, "Presume a perfectly spherical cow..."

jesus> Ok, I must admit, I don't know this old phrase. I'd love to
jesus> hear the rest though, as the idea of a spherical cow has me
jesus> rolling in laughter. =-]

You think *you* are rolling?  Oughta see that cow!

Subject: Re: Shark attack!
From: tscottme <blahblah@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

Opus the Penguin wrote:
>
> Ever since Jaws, sharkologists have been trying to tell us that sharks
don't
> really attack people. Then a shark attacks a people and they make up an
> excuse. (Dressed up in a wet suit and paddling a surfboard, the shark
> thought the guy was a seal. How the shark got dressed up in a wet suit and
> where he got the surfboard I'll never know. <waggles cigar>)
>
> The most recent shark attack in Australia was blamed on a mother seal
> leaving her babies in the area. The shark was coming back for seconds when
> he saw the guy paddling around. (The guy's friend says he tried to save
him
> by fighting off the shark while pulling the guy in to shore. But someone
in
> alt.obituaries already suggested that it could also look like the friend
was
> using the guy as a shield while beating a hasty retreat.)
>
> Anyway, it's cold comfort to say sharks only attack humans by mistake if
> they're making that mistake all the time. (Do they send flowers to the
> funeral and a card that says "Oops! I ate your husband"?) So how often do
> they make that mistake? And is it really a mistake or do sharks just have
> good spin doctors?

Sharks are strictly vegetarian, preferring to dine on carrots and
soybeans.  However since the 1960s when all the smelly hippies started
moving in and trying to hug them and read their karma, they voted to eat
just enough people to keep the kooks away.

Subject: Re: Alright!
From: putain.de.2cv@... (Fierce Cookie)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis...> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>>         JIM, how the hell did pesto sauce get up *there*?
>
>#316 in the list of things you don't want to hear from your
>gynecologist.

Especially when followed by, "Hmmm, needs salt."

Subject: Re: HomeLoanStuff
From: "Ferg" <fergus_mcd@...>
Newsgroups: canb.general

McKweiner <azzamckazza@...> wrote:

> no gory details will put me off having kids.

How about "3rd-degree tear involving the anal sphincter"?

Subject: Re: Second Law disproves abiogenesis
From: "Paul J. Gans" <gans@...>
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Richard Wein <nospam@...> wrote:
> Paul J. Gans wrote in message ...
>>Tracy P. Hamilton <chem013@...> wrote:
>>> "Paul J Gans" <gans@...> wrote in message
>>> news:8uajpi$os3$1@news.panix.com...
>>
>>>> Neat!  The sun can supply energy without having an
>>>> entropy change?  How does it do that?
>>
>>> Paul, if only we could harness the power of anticluon-cluon
>>> annihilation, dbengarde could be a national treasure.
>>> Dubya wouldn't have to drill in national parks after all.
>>
>>The trouble is that the annihilation releases a large
>>quantity of ignorance.

> That reminds me of the Second Law of Thermodenial:
> "In any closed mind the quantity of ignorance remains constant or
> increases."

I like that so much I might steal it.  ;-)

Subject: Re: copresidents
From: "Opus the Penguin" <opusthepenguin@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

Dave Wilton wrote:
>Opus the Penguin wrote:
>>Rich Clancey wrote:
>>>Since the Clintons introduced the notion of Hillary as
>>>Co-President, perhaps we could extend the idea.  Let's have Gush and
>>>Bore make a joint appearance on television and admit that neither of
>>>them has a clue as to how to do the job, but that together they might
>>>be able to come up with something.  Move another desk into the oval
>>>orifice and we'll have a joint presidency.  They can arm wrestle for
>>>who does what on a given day.  The voters will have the advantage of
>>>Bush's boyish charm and Gore's willingness actually to read government
>>>reports all the way through.
>>
>>Now *there's* a good idea for a new sitcom. What would we call it?
>
>Plot suggestion for the pilot: Al gets upset at George for using his
>stapler and paints a line down the middle of the oval office telling
>George to stay on his side. After much hilarity, they realize that
>this doesn't solve anything and Bill and George, Sr. enter and deliver
>sound advice about getting along with others.

Beauty!

It's a little late for a full season, but if we hurry up production we can
probably fit in 16 episodes.

Episode 2 - Suspicions abound when an anonymous letter describing Al and
George's situation appears in an advice column. (The writer refers to
himself only as "One of the two leaders of the free world.")

Episode 3 - Now that George and Al are in charge, Bill decides he's no
longer needed. The two presidents feign incompetence to convince him
otherwise.

Episode 4 - The Presidents have a card house building contest to decide how
to spend their free money from the taxpayers. Al's oversized ego
accidentally brushes the table and he loses. But George buys something with
the taxpayer money that they can both use.

Episode 5 - Al and George switch roles for a day to settle an argument about
whose job is the hardest.

Episode 6 - Fed up with what he believes to be Al's illicit phone calls,
George installs a pay phone in the Oval Office.

Episode 7 - George tells his buddies that he and Joe Namath are friends and
then is called on to deliver. Namath guest stars as himself.

Episode 8 - Trouble ensues when George and Al each want a White House
on-staff doctor of the same political party as himself.

Episode 9 - The two men have nightmares after telling each other they wish
the other one weren't President. They recant by episode's end.

Episode 10 - George accepts the task of preparing a recommendation on
foreign policy toward Russia but tries to talk Al into doing all his
homework.

Episode 11 - George and Al both wind up in the hospital. In the same room.

Episode 12 - After George criticizes Al's work habits on national
television, Al vows revenge.

Episode 13 - After some of his predictions come true, George believes he is
psychic.

Episode 14 - George tries to convince Al that conservatives are really good
people at heart. He gets a chance to prove his point when their car runs out
of gas during a visit to Orange County, CA.

Episode 15 - Al finds a homeless boy (Leonardo DiCaprio) sleeping in the
White House basement. His efforts to help the boy end up getting the kid
kicked out. He solves the problem by giving the boy the Lincoln bedroom.

Episode 16 (season cliffhanger) - Fearing he has lost his masculine appeal,
Al decides to prove his masculinity by doing a water ski jump over a shark.

By the way, I just thought of the perfect title for this show. Too bad it's
already taken.

    Who's the Boss?

Oh well. My second choice, _Full House_, will have to do.... D'oh! _The Odd
Couple_?

All right, how about _You Can't Win 'Em All_?

Or, it's a little wordy, but _No Controlling Legal Authority_ works too. As
does _Now You Listen to Me_.

Subject: Re: My Life Sucks
From: kitznegari@... (kitz.the.ghostslug.killa)
Newsgroups: alt.geek

>>>>>>>>Pepsi sucks.  Coke rules.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Cretin.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Hockey puck!
>>>>>
>>>>>Neanderthal!
>>>>
>>>>Big hairy boob!
>>>
>>>Imbecile!
>>
>>Dipschmuck!
>
>Philistine!

Presidential Candidate!

Newsgroups: alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer
From: Forge <forge@...>
Subject: Re: willow - tara - cute

gal_woman@... says...
> If there is a God, and he does care at all about what happens down here on
> Earth; someday, he's going to want  an explanation from all you morally
> upright people about why you caused so much pain and suffering in his name.

For people like that, She appears in Her avatar as an enormous black
lesbian who just laughs at them without ever saying a word.

I wanna be there so I can see the look on Pat Robertson's face.

Subject: "Where's the Dungeon Master?"
From: gherbert@... (George William Herbert)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

In another forum, Crisper asked (regarding the US Presidential Election):
>Goddammit, where's the fucking Dungeon Master, anyway?

GM: Roll your final election night success rolls.
GWB: [rolls] 11!  Marginal success.
AG: [rolls] 11!  Also marginal success.
GM: Ok.  Let's see how bad this is... [rolls] 18.  Well.  Isn't that special.
    Critical chaos table ...  GWB, isn't your brother in charge of Florida?
GWB: Yeah... but he's a NPC...
GM: Too bad.  AG, Florida was called for you on election night, but has
    shifted back to GWB by ... [rolls] twelve hundred votes.  Al has a
    [rolls] 0.2% lead in the popular vote but is losing the electoral
    college if Florida stays in GWB's column.
AG: Recount!  Recount!
GWB: No fair, if I'm winning...
GM: Marginal success.
GWB: But that was a success!
GM: [rolls] 18 again!  An excellent success.  The election authorities
    in one of the Florida counties screwed up the ballot so all the
    voters with IQ under 100 or over 75 years old voted for the wrong
    person or twice.
GWB: Aaaaaaa
AG: I sue!  No, wait, I don't sue, the *voters* sue...
GM: Roll to convince some voters to sue.
AG: ...[rolls] 14!  I got 'em!
GWB: This is just terrible.  We can't be doing this to the country.
     Concede already, Al.
AG: Did the media see that?  Did they?
GM: GWB, make a saving throw versus media.
GWB: [rolls] 8.  Nope.
GM: Make a saving throw versus public opinion.
GWB: [rolls] 12.  Close enough?
GM: People are shaking their heads, but not trying to burn down your house.
GWB: Whew.
GM: [rolls] 17.  Excellent.  The first recount results show GWB's
    lead narrowing to... [rolls] 350 votes!
AG: I want a hand recount.
GWB: No, you don't.
AG: It says I can have a hand recount.  It's on Page 41 of the
    Election Masters Guide, third paragraph, second sentence.
GWB: Don't be a Wussy Rules Lawyer.
GM: [flips pages] He's right.
GWB: Well Damnit.  I'm suing to stop him anyways.
GM: You're suing to overturn the rules?
GWB: Damn straight.
GM: Oh-kay... roll for it.
GWB: [rolls] 15!  Hey, look at that, I got a 15!
GM: Good, but not good enough to overturn a game rule...
AG: Haw Haw.
GWB: See if I share my pizza with you next time.
AG: Hey, don't get Snippy.

TO BE CONTINUED

Subject: Election news flash!
From: dbromage@... (David Bromage)
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.military

BELGRADE, 16 November (REUTERS) -- Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica
deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the United States
today, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it
struggles to establish democracy.

"We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow
democracy to gain a foothold there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a
major player in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is
vital to Serbian interests in that region."

Kostunica urged both party leader, to "let the democratic process take
its course."

"Mr Gore and Mr Bush need to acknowledge the will of the people,"
Kostunica said.  "Until America's political figures learn to respect the
institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a
true democracy."

Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis
on certain trouble zones. Among them are Florida, Tennessee and Texas,
where Bush set up headquarters. An additional 10,000 troops are expected
to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.

Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule
out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved
soon.

"For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich
soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of
tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself
incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international
community may be forced to take stronger measures."

Kostunica said he would meet with the U.N. Security Council next week if
the election issue was not resolved. He is expected to proposed that a
large force British, Canadian, Mexican and French troops be deployed to
the U.S. by the end of the month.

Subject: Re: the word for "seeing" music?
From: "Padraig Breathnach" <padraigb@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

eve wrote in message <975026846.599213@bastille.infogrames.com.au>...
>
>anyone know the word for people who "see" music, "taste" colours etc?

Confused.

Subject: Re: Official....
From: Stan <zk12@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

On 26 Nov 2000 20:41:52 GMT, clynne@... (Briar Rose) wrote:

>I'm sorry, I thought I had actually mentioned this on
>AFCA before.  I used to work for the second-largest US
>manufacturer of adult novelty items.  I was in R&D and
>International Sales.  I have, in fact designed two
>vibrators, one that went to market ("Jolly Cucumber").

>:) Connie-Lynne

Now we know why she's always smiling in her sig.

Subject: Re: Clothing question
From: Jellybean Pouchsnipper <Jester_Dee@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dragonlance

Dark Ångel wrote:

> > I know this is kind of silly, but what kind of underpants do they wear in
> > DL?
>
> I don't think the common folk wear any.  But I'm sure Kitiara would be into
> some weird kinky chain mail bikini thing.

Well... now I know why Kit looks pissed and mean in the original cover
of
DoWN... ever had your lips stuck on metal on a cold winter day when you
were a
kid...? ;oP

Subject: "If you're going to come up with conspiracy theories..." [Re: Spam
 directly from VortechHosting [ATTN JOHN W SINCLAIR]]
From: Bob Blaylock <bob-blaylock.nospam@...>
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

Kelly Thompson wrote:

> If you're going to come up with conspiracy theories, try to make
> them at least vaguely plausible.

  OK, how's this:

  Consider the following chain of events.

  First, JFK is assassinated.

  As a result of the JFK assassination, LBJ comes to power, and he gets us
fully into the Vietnam War.

  The Vietnam War, of course, hurts LBJ's popularity, with the result that
Richard Nixon is elected President.  Nixon, of course, gets tangled up in
the Watergate scandal.

  So, who was in a position to benefit from these events?

  What aspiring movie producer achieved his fame and fortune by making
historically-inaccurate movies about these events?  Movies, such as "JFK",
"Born on the Fourth of July", and "Nixon"?

  I propose that none other than Oliver Stone engineered the JFK
assassination, the Vietnam War, and the Watergate scandal, all so that he
could make movies about these events.  I'm still waiting for Oliver Stone to
make more movies, which will more fully reveal the scale of this grand
conspiracy.  Watch for movies to come out concerning the Space Shuttle
Challenger explosion, the 2000 Presidential Election, and Sanford Wallace's
Cyberpromo business.

Subject: Re: The Player Of Games - Help Needed!!
From: Eric Jarvis <eric@...>
Newsgroups: alt.books.iain-banks

Daniel Goldsmith wrote:
>
> Will Bush follow tradition and pardon the White House Turkey? I don't
> think he knows how to!

"...you have to remember that this Turkey was guilty as hell. Do you
want to be responsible for setting it free to do it all over again. What
if it had been your family?..."

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: colin@... (Colin Jones)
Subject: Warnings

I just received a Gameboy Link Cable made by Wild Things, who seem to have a
sense of humour, and who have given me permission to send you this info., as
you'll see by the following taken from the instruction leaflet:

Do not use this product under the sea
Do not iron this unit
Do not let wild animals cat your Wild Things product
Your Wild Things product will not function if you drive a steam roller over it
This Wild Things unit is not a hat - do not wear it at state functions
A serious malfunction may occur if you hit this unit with a mallet
Do not use this product as a football
This unit is not a telecommunications device and will not accept incoming calls

Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000 00:52:28 EST
From: oldbear@... (The Old Bear)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.jewish

The following quote appeared in a CNN story about Ryder Truck Rental's
donation of the use of one of its trucks to move ballots from West Palm
Beach County to the circuit court in Tallahassee:

|  It is not unusual for the company to donate its trucks. "We do it
|  most typically on a philanthropic basis," said Allison Striegel, a
|  spokeswoman for Budget Group, which owns Ryder Truck Rental Services.
|  "We're very active in natural disasters, moving supplies in and out
|  of disaster locations."

Finally, someone who recognizes this disaster for what it is.

Now maybe the Red Cross can provide temporary shelter to both candidates
until one of them can move into The White House.

Subject: Re: Frog kicking
From: bracuk@... (Dan Bracuk)
Newsgroups: rec.scuba

From Clifford Beshers
:Okay, who can describe a proper frog kick in excruciating detail?

Step 1 - Find a frog
Step 2 - Kick it.

Subject: Re: Uplift: Chimps and Humans
From: Bill Woods <wwoods@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Pete McCutchen wrote:

> On 2 Dec 2000 02:50:53 -0800, jmbay@... (Joseph Michael Bay)
> wrote:
>
> >"Rick" <rikwriter@mindspring.com> writes:
> >
> >>"jeff wiel" <jwiel@...> wrote in message
> >>news:G4xAHH.37K@world.std.com...
> >
> >>> I also wonder why bonobos aren't mentioned. They are a seperate species of
> >>> great ape.
> >
> >>Maybe Brin doesn't know that much about them.
> >
> >Maybe having Bonobos would make it mainly a porn novel.
>
> Obreallife:  There's a bonobo in the Milwaukee zoo who has sort of a
> fetish for barely pubescent females -- sort of a Lollita thing.  He
> particularly likes them in uniforms, believe it or not.
>
> When Girl Scout Troops visit the zoo and observe his cage, he will
> almost invariably engage in self-stimulation.  This always gets quite
> a reaction from the Girl Scouts.

What reaction does it get from the Girl Scout troopleader?
"<blink> Move along, girls; nothing to see here."

Subject: Re: You Never Know!!
From: "plaid lad!" <plaidlad@...>
Newsgroups: alt.comics.sluggy-freelance

"Robert Vincent Walker-Smith" <rwlkrsmith@...> wrote in message
news:20001210162058.00616.00003996@ng-cb1.aol.com...
> Some random waste of skin wrote:
> <snip>
> >ACTING ON THIS....WILL...CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
> >IT..IS..CHANGING...MINE!!!
>
> IT. . . IS.... CAUSING....ME...TO...SPAM...
> WITH....ELLIPSES....AND....MY...CAPS...LOCK...KEY....IS....STUCK.
> PLEASE....KILL....ME...NOW.
>

this what happens when william shatner runs a co-ordinated spam campaign.

Subject: Re: Our Defense budget at work!
From: bs@... (Arthur Levesque)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo

Geoduck (geoduck@...) wrote:
G>Shrug. Better than wasting the money on another stealth bomber.

     They have to keep building new ones, to replace all of the old ones
they keep losing...  I mean, when they say "stealth", they mean STEALTH!

Sometimes they send troops marching across the airfields is hopes that
someone will bump into one and find it...

Subject: Re: Imagine...
From: "Hughes." <email@...>
Newsgroups: alt.digitiser

Evil Bob wrote in message <3A4249AF.BD861D3D@ntlworld.com>...
>Imagine if we Strapped a greased cross breed of a stoat and a weasel to
>ainsley harriot. Then fed him a diet Chicken McNuggets and Yahoo Banana
>milk shake. What would happen?
>

At last, the lost lyrics have surfaced, John Lennon can now rest at ease.

Subject: Re: Who wants to be an animillionaire?
From: "greysky" <greysky@...m>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc

"Chika" <miyuki@...> wrote:
> Bruce Tomlin wrote:
> > Man, an ancient race aka 14th Warrior trolled:
> > > Which is not a sailor scout?
> > >
> > > a. mars  b. mercury  c. milky way  d. jupiter
> >
> > Sailor Milky Way (as in having eaten too many Milky Way bars) is too
> > a sailor scout!  Or else why would we see so many of her at cons?
>
> That's cruel! True, but cruel! (In other words, wish I'd said that
> first!)
>
> lol

Especially when they are fat, hairy, aging men.....

Subject: Re: Happy Birthday to my car!
From: "The Midnight Rambler" <bigrobisonceagain@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc

Jef <odie51584@...> wrote in message
news:20010102202626.05954.00000383@ng-ba1.aol.com...
> Well, uh, my car rolled over 80000 miles today.

Shouldn't you go find the damn thing?

Subject: bible rewrite, was: Is this fraud?
From: rhc@... (Rich Clancey)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

kettir@... wrote:
+ On 27 Dec 2000 23:44:59 GMT, The Incredible Dutch Courage wrote:
[I don't know who wrote what, the nesting is overflowing my mental buffers]
+ >reading _Asimov's Guideto the Bible._) If the Gospels had been fiction, they
+ >would have been written very differently.
+ >
+ > In what way, exactly?

 First of all, there's no romance.  You don't want explicit
stuff, but you have to put a romantic interest in there or you're
going to lose the women.  Every one of these guys, Elijah, Jesus, I
don't care who, needs a woman who believes in what he's doing, even
when nobody else does.

 Secondly, there's nothing for kids.  This is a disasterous gap
in the whole conception of the thing.  I'd suggest dropping Barnabus
or one of the real deadbeats and writing in a big part for Moochie,
the Littlest Apostle.

 In fact, you could get rid of half the Apostles, they all sort
of blend together.  There were only 7 Dwarves, and people could only
remember one or two of them.

 Third, it ain't a family story without an adorable
animal. Personally, I'd go with a dog, but if you want to stick with a
camel or a donkey or some local color type of thing, fine.  If it's a
donkey, just don't call it an ass.  A camel would work OK for a lot of
cheap jokes, but a dog is more nucular family oriented.  A lamb
wouldn't be bad, if it showed a little life and didn't just sit there
lookin helpless.

 Fourth, the whole thing is too damned preachy, especially the
second half.  The Epistles have to go, they're nothing but yelling at
people to behave, which doesn't work anyway and nobody wants to hear
it.  One or two SHORT sermons at the beginning is OK, but that's it.

 Which brings me to point five.  The pacing.  The pacing of
this thing bites the Great Wazoo.  You have to keep it moving.  If you
need to interrupt for some character development, fine, but keep it
short, and cut right back to action.

 There's a lot more, but I think you ought to give a lot of
thought to cutting big stretches out of it.  In one place you get a
huge buildup, then the climax is the lions don't eat the guy.  That's
a waste of lions.  Bring em in, by all means, in fact, I'd use em a
lot more.  But reading about lions not eating isn't what the public
wants.  If you want to bring in lions, have em act like goddamned
lions, know what I mean?  Rip someone to shreds.  Anyone.

 And there's dozens of these Psalm things.  You don't need to
hit em over the head.  One or two good ones, and out.  Leave em wantin
more.

 There's some serious rewriting needed if you want this thing
to work as fiction.  Did this Q guy have an editor?

Subject: Woman drivers
From: "Sober" <not@...>
Newsgroups: alt.2600, 3do.bad-attitude, alt.worst.of.usenet

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his
window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.  I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work - that's 76 miles. Of these, 16
miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.  Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an
8-lane highway, so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means
I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.  That's 7 cars
every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or
31,424 cars.  Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to
something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.  Statistically half of these
are driven by females, that's 18,000.  In any given group of females 1 in
28 are having the worst day of their period.  That's 642.  According to
Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding,
that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98.  And 34%
describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.  According to the
National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number
is increasing.  That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her
period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

[uu.net is known in spam fighting circles for being a spam haven.  News that their servers were negatively impacted by a major spam run was greeted with less than complete sympathy. . . .]

Subject: Re: [MEDIA] Spammer wrecks UUNet email service
From: AntiSpam <antispam@...>
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

On 12 Jan 2001, Erik Warmelink wrote:

> <http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/16062.html>:
>
> | UUNet customers have been left stranded without access to their email
> | for the last 36 hours after the outfit took a "very big hit" from
> | spammers earlier this week.
>
> My heart bleeds for them.

You know, I kinda wish the spammer had been on our network. Really. Then
when UU.Net sent us their complaint... well. Hmmmmmm

*wishy washy fade out to dream sequence*

To Whom It May Concern,

Your message regarding ("Spammer flooding our mail servers") has been
received by $SPAMMERS_ISP's Internet Abuse Investigations.

To help us provide you with the least possible service, please refer to
trouble ticket number (B-TSI-EAT-SHIT-AND-DIE) somewhere in all
correspondence (or if you should call Internet Abuse Investigations)
regarding this matter. For your convenience, we have completely ignored it
in the Subject line of this message, and will do so in any future
correspondence.

Our Internet Abuse Investigations team automatically responds with the
same level of commitment seen when we send abuse reports to you. Our
system has detected that this is UU.NET NETWORK OPERATIONS CENTER that has
contacted us regarding a spammer on our network flooding UU.NET.

Our Internet Abuse Investigations team is now incapacitated having laughed
themselves into insensibility.

If you should need assistance in the future on a different issue, please
do send your spam complaints to /dev/null.

Thank you.

*fade in from dream sequence*

Oh how I wish... ;-)

Subject: Re: Super Advanced tech from current tech.
From: Chris Barwick <chrisb@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.science

Bill Snyder wrote:
>
> On Wed, 10 Jan 2001 07:26:44 +0000, Gavin Williams
> <Gavinblock@...> wrote:
>
> >On 05 Jan 2001 19:57:23 GMT, jwmeritt@... (JWMeritt) wrote:
> >
> >>>
> >>>>1. If alien(s) crashed on earth and survived but their ship was totally
> >>>>lost on the ocean floor, or it exploded,
> >>>>    what technology could they create with our current technology.
> >>
> >>Are you SURE humans were the driving agency behind computers, the global
> >>network, the space program,...?
> >
> >windows 95?
>
> So they're definitely _hostile_ aliens, then?

Not necessarily.  Remember, this is technology from a race who's
spacecraft crashed.  W95 was probably what they were running at the
time.  (Does crashing in the ocean count as the blue screen of death?)

Subject: Re: Prepare for a lawsuit
From: gharman@...
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email,news.admin.net-abuse.usenet

In article <351105D4.313BA99C@spnt.com>, The_Shadow@... wrote:

> I would love to see a truthful headline that reads:
>
> "Anti-Spammers prove to the world they really are Internet Terrorists"

Do hold your breath

Subject: Re: [I] Euro changeover was GCSE English Coursework Rant
From: info@... (Richard Bos)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

"Philip 'Yes, that's my address' Newton" wrote:
> On 30 Jan 2001 13:18:34 GMT, sgpchambon@... (Sylvain Chambon) wrote:
>
> > They're pretty expressionless - basically, they'll feature
> > bridges.
>
> And windows,

Oh Glod, no. "This EUR500 note has performed an illegal operation, and will now be shut down." Say goodbye to a stable currency.

Subject: Re: $B$+$($k$N$3$H$O$h$+$C$?(B
From: Martin Ambuhl <mambuhl@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

Fabian wrote:

> Interesting. How would a journalist refer to a religious guru, say the Dalai
> Lama, or The Rev Sun Myung Moon, or L. Ron. Hubbard, or the Pope?

(1) Figure of current iconography
(2) Mind-sucking scum
(3) authoritarian shyster and occasionally acceptable SF writer
(4) (observant RC) The Holy Father
    (disgrunted RC) That conservative bastard
    (Bible-belt Fundy) The Antichrist

Subject: Re: Nostalgia
From: lalbert1@... (Lalbert1)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

In article <20010305185845.22005.00000787@ng-mn1.aol.com>, missbeckett@...
(Beckett Graham) writes:

>Anything from your past starting to bring tears of reminiscence to your eyes?

My bris.

Subject: Re: Alternative critters chalenge
From: azb@... (ANDREW ROBERT BREEN)
Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if

In article <3AAFA63E.2F56126B@email.com>, Robert J. Kolker <bobkolker@...> wrote:
>
>kenney@... wrote:
>
>> In article <3AAE4B90.A07BE6B4@my-deja.com>, chlewey@...
>> (Carlos Thompson) wrote:
>>
>> > Dwarves: either a diferent hominid species,
>>  In the Winter of the World series Dwarves are described in a way that
>> fits Netherandels. They have been driven underground and natural
>> selection has resulted in them getting shorter.
>
>What is it that gives shorter Neanderthals a reproductive advantage
>over taller one's. Nature does not select arbitrarily. The factors
>and characteristics selected for give a defnite advantage in reproduction.

You're less likely to feel like sex if you've just cracked your
head open on the roof?

Subject: Re: LET'S GIVE PRAISES
From: Frank Lekens <krazykat@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books

In article <27647-3AB4285E-78@...>, LUSTTHRUST4ME@webtv.net says...
> LET'S GIVE PRAISES TO THE LIBRARIES. WITHOUT THEM WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
> READ THOSE BOOKIES LIKE CURIOUS GEORGE, HORTON HEARS A HOOT, AND  GREEN
> EGGS AND HAM.  WITH LIBRARIES, THE WORLD IS ENDLESS WITH BOOKS
>
> <html>
> <body bgcolor="black" text="lightblue"
> background="http://www.[deleted].com/siggies/backs/mn/multistarred.gif">
> <div align="center">
> <font size="5" effect="emboss" color="goldenrod">
> <b><i>
> ++ I HAVE A DREAM ++
> </i></b></font>
> <br><br>
> <table border="20"
> background="http://www.[deleted].com/siggies/images/g/goldfancybar.gif"><tr><td> > <img src="http://www.[deleted].com/siggies/images/ij2/jonesking.gif"
> height="265" border="20">
> </td></tr></table>
> <br><br><br><br>
> <a href="http://www.[deleted].com">
> <font color="darkslategray" effect="relief" size="5">
> Design by:<i> Siggies
> </i></font></a>
> </div>
> <embed src="http://www.[deleted].com/siggies/music/ab/america.mid"
> autostart="true" loop="-1">
> </body>
> </html>

LET'S ALSO GIVE PRAISES TO THE INVENTORS OF HTML. WITHOUT THEM WE
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO READ THOSE TAGGIES LIKE </i></font></a>, AND <embed
src="http://www.[deleted].com/siggies/music/ab/america.mid".  WITH HTML,
THE WORLD IS ENDLESS WITH IDIOTS WHO CAN'T WHISPER BUT ONLY KNOW
HOW TO SHOUT.

Could some millionaire please buy up WebTV and close it down? Bill Gates
maybe, to do penance for all the evil he has caused?

Subject: Re: SF tastes vs. gaming tastes
From: Sea Wasp <seawasp@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

> >I found this great interactive computer game called Usenet...
>
> I thought the AI was pretty shabby, really.  Lots of the modules are
> obviously just doing Eliza-type single keyword response.

 AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

Subject: Re: Remote Controls (Was Re: SVHS?)
From: clynne@... (Briar Rose)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

<kettir@...> wrote:
>On Mon, 09 Apr 2001 21:56:12 GMT, Scott Wilson wrote:
>>>Possession of The Remote is automatically devolved upon the Ranking
>>>Male in the room.  Blah blah blah blah blah.
>Balderdash.  When I want the remote, I take it.  There will be none of that
>"I get the remote because I have a dick" nonsense around here.

I believe an appropriate response to the statement "I
get the remote because I have a penis" is "I can fix
that."

Subject: Re: Emily
From: knight37@... (Knight37)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.int-fiction

daryl@... (Daryl McCullough) babbled something about:

>In article <9b3m1d$hq0$1@news.lth.se>, mol@... says...
>>In article <9b2mgi$m7o$2@cnn.Princeton.EDU>,
>>Adam J. Thornton <adam@princeton.edu> wrote:
>
>>>FUCK YOU!  You're in my killfile!  Next!
>>>
>>>Beevie
>>
>>OK, that's it! I'll killfile EVERYBODY! Every single one of you!
>
>The mad scientist Doctor Van Doom has just invented the killfile
>bomb. If his demands are not met (he wants to post a nude
>binary of Britney Spears to sci.physics.research) then he will
>explode his device, instantly killfiling all intelligent life
>on Earth.

And sadly, this only elminated 15% of usenet traffic. ;P

Subject: Re: More haiku
From: Earle D Jones <earle.jones@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

In article <Xns9086825FB3CA7doidyhead@130.133.1.4>, manfre@f...
(Joe Manfre) wrote:

> iwasaki (pianoforte@...) wrote:
>
> >Mike Lyle <Mike_member@...> wrote in message
> >news:W8DC6.7553$FY5.628749@www.newsranger.com...
> >>
> >> Are these not rather senryu than haiku? We have experts at hand, I
> >> know.
> >
> >I'm not an expert, but Japanese haiku requires the word that
> >suggests the season.  "Senryu" is a witty epigrammatic poem
> >containing seventeen syllables like haiku, but no need of the
> >season word.  I don't know if there exists such classification in
> >English haiku.
>
> I doubt the existence of "English haiku", really.  Any so-called
> "haiku" written in English is probably the product of some lame-
> brained nitwit who thinks it's really really funny to rewrite
> perfectly normal sentences so as to create the proper arrangement
> of syllables for a "haiku" and then say "HA HA HA, IT'S A HAIKU,
> LOOK, I MADE A HAIKU, HA HA HA HA HA!!  HAIKUS ARE FUNNY!!  HA!
> HA!  HA!"
>
> I do wish they'd turn their attention to some other form of
> poetry.  Maybe limericks or sonnets or something.  The "look,
> it's a haiku!" joke is so played out.
>
>
> JM

*
Your posting above
A strangely hostile comment --
Fuck you.  It's Springtime.

Subject: Re: HOW TO . FORWARD
From: lclee@... (Larry Lee)
Newsgroups: alt.primenet.recovery

>Can someone please give me an example as how to make a
>.Forward file.  I want primenet to forward my e-mail to illusions.com
>web-mail account. I guess I can make this .forward file and place it
>on my primenet.com folder (or whatever is called).
>TNKS -- Angelo

It's quite simple,
in your home directory, create a file called .forward
and in that file put the line

support@primenet.com

Not long after the first spam arrives you should receive a call
from support offering to help you set up your .forward file.

They might be a little testy though. :-)

Subject: Re: [OT] Politics- would you guys stop making these threads necessary?
From: arbane@... (Arbane the Terrible)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc

On 23 Apr 2001 00:06:42 GMT, animeg3282@... (Animeg3282) wrote:

>Shadow said:
>
>>Unless you want to own some sort of gun or pray in school. Otherwise no small
>>government for you.
>>
>
>I never understand why people said you can't pray in schools. Man, I nearly ran
>into a praying student in the hallway! I guess they think that if it's not
>shoved into everyone's faces, you can't do it. Sure, maybe you'd have to show a
>bit more delicacy and politeness, but who doesn't need a bit more of that in
>their life?

I'm all in favor of school prayer, as long as they're _FAIR_ about it.
The Christian kids get to appeal to Jesus, the little Moslems get to
bow to Mecca, the little Buddhists get to meditate, the little Hare
Krishnas get to chant until everyone else wants to wallop them, the
little Scientologists get to try to sell their classmates useless
books, the lettle Santerians get to sacrifice the class guinea pig to
the Loa of Knowledge, the little Atheists get to harangue everyone
else for being gullible saps, the little agnostics get to grab a
little more study-time, the little Wiccans get to dance naked aorund
the classroom...

...but that's generally not what the proponents of 'school prayer'
mean, is it?

Subject: Re: Sex and the Mars Mission
From: mss2@... (Michael S. Schiffer)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

"Rachel Brown" <r.phoenix@...> wrote in <01c0c2df$e387d780$9313500c@default>:
>...
>Plus, it seems to me that the sexual aspect isn't even the most
>problematic of the potential complications (though obviously it
>provokes the most salacious speculation).
>If you pack a few people of any configuration in a small space for
>three years, they will have sex, bond, unbond, argue, make up, feud,
>work, snub each other, and generally deal with life as it is.
>...

On the bright side, this means we can partially fund the mission by
selling the broadcast rights to Fox.

Subject: Re: Military SF: Bujold, Weber, Moon, Who Else?
From: Frank Ney <n4zhg@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Computer damage warning.  Swallow all drinks and clear your laps now.  The
monitor/keyboard/sensitive body parts you save could be your own.

On 24 Apr 2001 15:07:40 -0400, an orbiting mind control laser caused
jdnicoll@... (James Nicoll) to write:

>>I'd much rather be where I am (when not working a contract elsewhere),
>>where 500 calls a year is a busy year.  The calls tend to be more
>>interesting here too, and not your usual knife, gun & drug club.  In case
>>you haven't realized it by now, I'm way past the "trauma junkie" phase.
>
> We had a fellow come in with his willy stuck in a 2 liter pop
>bottle [brand now forgotten]. I fear that some of the staff may not quite
>have kept an air of professionalism during the removal.

I guess I shouldn't tell about the lady who had vaginal spasms around her
vibrator.  "If you can't get it out could you please change the batteries?"
Doc lost it completely.

Then there was the guy who had his bitten off.  By his girlfriend.  Three
years before the Bobbits made national news.  Professionalism?  What
professionalism?  I was trying to keep things quiet, they made me say
"patient is suffering from an avulsed penis" on an open channel.  "What was
the mechanism of injury?"  "A bite."  "What kind of bite?"  "HUMAN! OKAY?
HUMAN!"

(Safety tip for the guys:  After convincing your lady to emulate the
French, "Gee honey, you do this so well, are you sure you've never done
this before?" is the WRONG thing to say!)

Then there was the 200# reaction-force jarhead who tried mounting his 90#
oriental wife after a 6-month deployment.  Can you say "pelvis broken in
three places" boys and girls?  I knew you could.

I could probably make lots of money by publishing "Sex Is Dangerous:  The
EMS War Stories You Never Hear About".

Subject: Re: [R] Telegraph Review
From: antispam@... (Daniel Goldsmith)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

In <3AF01D09.7A1DFE4C@catsrule.garfield.com>, Stevie D said:
>
> [1] I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use, but what I mean is
> ... writing in a way that sounds natural and easy-going and flows well
> off the tongue, not the stilted but precise English of legal documents
> and stuff like that.

PART I

*Whereas:*

1. The following definitions shall apply:
   'Biddley' shall mean 'with'.
   'Dong' shall mean 'wrong', in the sense of being incorrect or otherwise,
   but specifically excludes the meaning of wrong as immoral.
   'Ding' shall have, for the purposes of Part II of this article, the
   meaning normally fully articulated by the use of the phrase 'What is'
   and no other meaning shall be associated with it for that purpose.
   'Flobble' shall mean 'English', the language, whether spoken or written.
   'Ping' shall mean 'legal', being associated with matters legal or any
   other association with actions, descriptions or other nouns having to
   do with the practise of law.
 

PART II

*It is hereby stated:*

Ding dong biddley ping flobble?

Subject: Re: Hezbollah What If
From: Gareth Wilson <grw45@...>
Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if

[Earlier in the thread a poster wrote 'Lesbian' when he meant 'Lebanese'.]

Steven Rogers wrote:

> Can anyone come up with a timeline in which Hezbollah really is a Lesbian
> Extremist Muslim group?

Easy. The Turks take the island of Lesbos back from Greece during WWI and- uh,
never mind....

Subject: Re: Roman Empire in the U.S.
From: Ian Munro <ian.munro@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

Michael Lorton <mlorton@...> wrote:
> Ian Munro <ian.munro@...> writes:

> > It's pretty legitimate, however, to say that the Roman Empire lasted
> > until 1453, when Constantinople fell to the Ottomans.
>
> Remember, those footstools only LOOK harmless.

Right, I should have said that Constantinople fell /over/ the Ottomans.
In the dark.  After a night at the pub.

Subject: Re: RASSM Porn site
From: Sara Waterfall <lull@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc

>Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate milkshakes.

That's what I use my blender for.

I can't imagine that a man would be any use for that.

In fact, if it came down to it, I'd have to choose the blender over
the man.

There is no substitute for a chocolate milkshake.

Sal

Subject: Re: Tofu
From: Steve Walker <steve@...>
Newsgroups: uk.misc

In article <m5gI6.19$TD2.1011@wards>, Vladimir Obblostokov <vladimir@...> writes
>I bought this slab of 'organic tofu' which is sitting in the fridge. Theres
>no instructions on it though, what the hell do you do with it ? How is it to
>be cooked etc ?

Nail it to a board. Season with garlic, ginger, chilli, chopped
coriander and salt. Add soy sauce, sesame oil and a squeeze of lime.
Bake in a hot oven for 30 minutes, remove, bin the tofu and eat the
board.

Subject: Re: found this in alt.c.......nokia
From: "olo" <kk@...>
Newsgroups: ie.comp

> > Never coped that bit on... jeez that is the funniest message i ever saw in
> >a  news group
>
> You can't have been using Usenet for long.
>
> Stuart.

i don't use "Usenet" what ever the hell that is. OE5 here

Subject: Re: New Perl Script
From: Dave VP <me@...>
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc

Josh wrote:
>
> Hello could some one make me  a perl script i Think its a easy script well
> If you want to help
>
> E-mail me Jap108864@home.com

*Poof* -- You are a now perl script.

Subject: Microsoft ad
From: "Crystal Raymond Edwards" <crre@...>
Newsgroups: alt.geek

So the darling husband and I are sitting around, munching on takeout Mexican
food and watching an A&E Channel program on cold-case files and police
investigators.  A Microsoft advertisement plays during the commercial break,
and we start giggling.  One line of it goes something like "for an eternally
youthful software blah blah blah."  Youthful software?  Yagaddabekiddinme.
It's too precious to pass up on.

MICROSOFT SOFTWARE IS YOUTHFUL BECAUSE...

* It barfs every ten minutes, just like an infant.
* You can spend half an hour calling it in from God-knows-where, and it'll
just call back "Five more minutes, pleeeeeeaaaaassseee?"
* It frequently runs home to Mommy to tattle.
* It invites all sorts of urchins to a sleepover: AOL signup wizards, MS
network setup programs, RealPlayer setup programs, etc.
* If it doesn't get its way, it starts banging its head against the wall and
crying because it is frustrated AND because it now has a headache.
* It brings home consistently poor report cards, but we still have hope
it'll live up to its potential.
* It doesn't like to share.  Anything.
* It says clever things like, "I promise, I didn't touch anything;"
meanwhile, your registry is lying in pieces all over the floor.
* It leaves sticky fingerprints on surfaces and draws on the walls when it
thinks you aren't looking.

--CRRE
   disenchanted

Subject: Re: domination
From: "David Lloyd-Jones" <davidlj@...>
Newsgroups: alt.cats.world.domination

"normand richard" <norm01@...> wrote in message
news:sPzL6.27176$TW.128905@tor-nn1.netcom.ca...

> je recherche une maitresse dominante pour un style de vie tres special

Tu n'a pas un chat?

Subject: Newbie With A "Technical" Question
From: "Garrett" <garrettw@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tv.frasier

Hey gang!  I'm a long-time viewer and an occasional lurker who finally
decided to give posting a try!  I have sort of a "technical" question about
the program, I hope no one thinks it's a dumb question, but it's something
that I haven't seen addressed in the past, and frankly it's really bothering
me.

Before I get to that, though, I just want to say that I really enjoy
Frasier.  It is my second favorite show, right behind X-Files.  I've been
watching Frasier since about 1996 (2014 in real time, of course) and think
it is really funny and very, very innovative.  Which brings me to my
technical question.

During the part of the show where Eddie steps away from what's happeneing
"on-screen" and walks up to the camera and addresses me by name; how do they
do that?  At first, I thought maybe they were tapping into the "Ruby"
computer system which the government has hidden deep under the Capitol
Building.  You know, the one that controls time and space.  But then I
thought, no, that doesn't make any sense because the aluminum foil I've used
to paper my living room should prevent those signals from reaching my TV.
So, I guess what I'm asking is whether it is some sort of an interactive
wireless connection that somehow reads the personal ID chip in my neck, or
is it something more sinister?

Also, and this is a little off-topic, have any of the rest of you become
increasingly alarmed with the humming noises coming from certain types of
fresh fruit, especially pears?

Your new best friend,

Garrett

Subject: Re: Can you speak french? please......
From: Ron Clark <7van@...>
Newsgroups: freeserve.help.unlimited

>I am so sorry to pester this lovely newgroup with this pathertic question.
>
>because i really like this newgroup i have a very strange question to ask
>
>it has absolutely nothing to do with computers
>
>how do i say in french
>
>"i have never thought about it"
>
>Please.....i have an oral exam tomorrow
>
>HELP

"Je ne suis pas en topique".

Subject: Re: Magnotherapy
From: John Hasler <john@...>
Newsgroups: alt.med.veterinary

Alan Hayes writes:
> Does any body use Magnotherapy in the treatment of Dogs,cats and Horses
> as reported upon by Ecoflow.ltd.uk

Some "bodies" do.  Others get naked, paint themselves blue, and dance
widdershins around the animal making hooting sounds.  Both are equally
effective, but the latter is more entertaining.

Subject: Ransum note
From: Tipical Spamer <Tipicalspamer@cyberpromo.com>
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

I dun spent 6 weaks downloding pine linux and some other stuff I
understan u nazis use to haras us bidnessfolk.  Now i got then and Im
holding then hostage so u cant use them till u meat my demannds.

You all must send $5 to my anonomus address at 66453 elm streat
Plesentvil MT 63549 in the nexct weak or I will delete what I dun
downloded and it will be gone.

Make yer chek out to Bubba Jenkins. That aint my name so jus fergit
that part.

When I get yer money I will uplode what I downloded you can use ut
agin.

Anonomus Spammer

Subject: Re: Stoopidest Hardware Repair Call?
From: B W Spoor <bwspoor@...>
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

Alexandre Pechtchanski wrote:
>
> >We used to get that a lot, and no amount of asking both the cleaners and
> >the cleaning company would stop them unplugging vital equipment such as
> >minicomputers to plug in their vacuum cleaners.  In the end, the only
> >solution was to fit all the systems with a nonstandard twist-lock plug
> >to stop them from being pulled out, and to keep the comms cabinets locked
> >at all times.
>
> Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one.  On the PPOE that was pretty common as well.
> I wonder if having router installed in the janitor's closet had something to do
> with their insistence that they _may_ unplug it to use that outlet?
>
Also, according to one of my clients some janitors aren't of the highest
intelligence (they service heavy duty cleaning equipment used in
supermarkets etc).

They had a call about a vacuum cleaner not working - fault resolution
"change battery in operators hearing aid". He couldn't here the motor
runmning, so reported it as broken.

Subject: A Woman's Place is in the Home
From: "Tsippi Jelingold" <tsippij@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

>From a helpful e-mail received today: "See Hot Horny Housewives and Wild
Wet Amatuers Doing Everything Imaginable!!"

I am now a changed woman. I'm ready to do my duty and become a
housewife. Where do I sign? And when do I get those amateurs?

Subject: Re: help identify this movie
From: Bill Horne <ewhorne.nospam@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.past-films

>filmnutboy@... (Kevin FilmNutBoy) wrote:
>>kentrandell@...  (Kurt Rambell) wrote:
>>About 2 years ago I saw the middle of a movie and unfortunately had to
>>go do something important.  Little did I know at the time that the
>>name of this movie would haunt me.  It is about a governess taking
>>care of a girl in the woods?  I thought the governess was played by
>>Joel Fleishman's fiancee from early episodes of Northern Exposure but
>>all searches have been futile.
>>    For the sake of an identifiable search, I am going to reference a
>>bizzare scene that involves masturbation.  Not because it is a dirty
>>movie, but for classifications' sake.
>>    The governess is in a boat with her charge.  They pass under a
>>railroad trestle and she climbs on one of the beams to get excited
>>from the vibrations from the train and mentions to the girl words to
>>the effect of it didn't take long for her to get an orgasm.

>What on earth could have been more important than watching the rest of this??

Perhaps there was a railroad trestle next to the theatre?
 

Subject: Re: [OT, CRY FOR HELP] Me and my job problems *and* women problems
From: "Craig J. Clark" <cjclark@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc

Joe Blevins wrote:
>
> Now, if anyone really _wants_ a rant about my problems with women, I'd
> be happy to oblige.

<ADV>
LOUD COMMERCIAL VOICE: Problems with women?  Then why not try...  Your
 Right Hand!  Yes, your right hand.  It's small, it's versatile,
 it's handy, and best of all, you know where it's been.

 Your Right Hand -- Right at the end of Your Right Arm, from
 Coleco.  (Also available in Left.)

Subject: Re: long-lost royal blood
From: Matt Ruff <Storytellers@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Nancy Lebovitz wrote:
>
>  IIRC, the first movie has it that the Force is somehow made
>  by all living things. It wouldn't be all that surprising (in
>  a universe of hand-waving) if the way that living things
>  contribute to/interact with the Force is through their
>  midichlorians.

I believe that in the next movie, it will be revealed that midichlorine
was originally added to the gene pool for purely sanitary reasons, with
the Force being an unintended side effect.

Subject: Re: Farscape is the new Trek
From: evilklowwn@... (Bozo the Evil Klown)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv

>> If Roddenberry came back to life today, I think I know
>> what he'd be looking forward to, and it would be the 4th
>> season of Farscape, not ''Enterprise''.
>
>Somebody needs to get a life............

Somehow I think that if Roddenberry came back to life today, getting down from
orbit would be a bit higher priority for him than the new TV season.

Subject: Re: netscape e-mail
From: flestrin@... (Carl Tucker)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

On Mon, 28 May 2001 23:48:11 -0500,
Wm James <wrjames@...> wrote:

>On Tue, 29 May 2001 02:28:08 GMT, root@... (Morely Dotes) wrote:
>
>>In article <20010528200543.29231.00001668@ng-ff1.aol.com>, jmmilazzo@... (JmMilazzo) wrote:
>>>
>>>is it possible for netscape to know by name who logs onto netscape e-mail
>>
>>Yes, they use the Trilateral Commission's orbital mind control laser system to
>>scan all of the people on the Earth 24 hours a day, to see who's logging on.
>
>
>That only works if you had the chip implanted.  All those born after
>1972 and born in hospitals had it implanted at birth,  Those of us
>older only got it if we had any surgery since '85.  We can log into
>anything anonymously.   The rest of you have to wear tin foil hats and
>antistatic ground straps to bypass monitoring.

You might want to wear the tinfoil hat all the time.  They use your unused
brain cycles for the SMWNMTK@home[1] project.  Sometimes, in a pinch, they
use them while you're awake, which is why you do stupid things, even when
you should know better.

Fortunately, the only surgery I've had since '85 was...
hm.  Tinfoil underwear for me.

[1]Secrets Man Was Not Meant To Know

Subject: Re: rejoinder questions to break down Darwinism
From: greig@... (David Iain Greig)
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Nando Ronteltap <onandon9@hotmail.com> wrote:
>What do the things you differentiate have to do with each other?

Congrats on the most Zen question I've ever seen on Usenet.

Subject: Re: XP "PUZZLE-PIECE" LOGO
From: Passenger Pigeon <passenger_pigeon@...>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Organization: The Vast O'erweening Conspiracy From Hell

In article <slrn9hlbni.3vs8fp5.super_villain@666.the.beast>,
not-for-mail wrote:

> In article <3b197704.12088141@news.mia.bellsouth.net>,
> amieinluv@... wrote:
>
> > B = 66
> > I = 73
> > L = 76
> > L = 76
> > G = 71
> > A = 65
> > T = 84
> > E = 69
> > S = 83
> > I = 1
> > I = 1
> > I = 1
> >
> > Add these numbers and they equal 666.
> > Coincidence?
>
> If I=73 and I=1, then 73=1.

Wow, this theory not only proves that Bill Gates is evil, but it proves
that our basic number system is flawed.  THAT'S AMAZING!

Subject: Re: Black hat for cais, yahoo, pbti.com, and psi, of course.
From: Wm James <wrjames@...>
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

On Thu, 07 Jun 2001 15:09:17 -0500, "Clifton T. Sharp Jr."
<clifto@...> wrote:

>Wm James wrote:
>> That's the thing about cats.  Cats never try "nice".  :)
>
>Hey! Linus was sitting here just a moment ago, trying "nice" to get me
>to come with him to the kitchen. Failing that, he's now nicely waiting
>in meatloaf position by the door for the time I get out of my chair, at
>which time he'll once again try "nice" again to get me to the kitchen.
>(He has food; he wants dinner company.)
>
>Cats always try "nice" first; problem is that so few humans speak "cat"
>to understand what they're asking for. (Dogs and others, too.)
 

Cats have different ideas of nice than most humans.  I expect it from
a cat so it's OK.  If a human climbed in my lap, put it's butt in my
face and pawed at my nose while I was trying to type, she better be
good looking and have more in mind than just dinner.  :)

William R. James

Subject: Re: Creationists and WebTV
From: jonathan@... (Jonathan Stone)
Newsgroups: talk.origins

In article <9ghl1o$oej$2@gail.ripco.com>,
Bloody Viking <nospam@...> wrote:
>
>ZenIsWhen (ZenIsWhen@...) wrote:
>: In article <9gavgc$1c4a$1@node21.cwnet.roc.gblx.net>, "Adam Marczyk"
<ebonmuse@...> wrote:
>
>: >WebTV, like AOL, is largely a refuge for computer illiterates.  Evidently
>: >this illiteracy extends into other areas as well.

WebTV: bringing the Internet into the shallow end of the gene pool.

Subject: Re: [OT] How do you ask for the time in Japanese?
From: teneyck@... (Ross TenEyck)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc

"sanjian" <sanjian@...> writes:
>"Geoffrey L. W." <latimer84@...> wrote in message
>news:20010619193941.03541.00000129@ng-fi1.aol.com...

>> Hi all! A friend of mine was wondering how to say "What time is it?" in
>> Japanese. Can any of you tell me? Thanks!

>"Ima nan-ji desu ka?"

A guy I knew was in Japan once, and wondered why he kept getting
odd looks whenever he asked what time it was.  It turned out he
was asking:

"Ima ninja desu ka?"

...."Are you a Ninja right now?"

Vowel transposition... endless entertainment :)

Subject: Re: how fond is "inordinately fond", quantitatively?
From: Chris Ho-Stuart <hostuart@...>
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Cary Kittrell <cary@...> wrote:
[snip]
> <> How many beetles are there then? (no fair turning on your
> <> porch light)
> <
> <Nobody knows. One current high estimate of the number of total living
> <species (30 million) is based on the number of undescribed beetle species
> <found in a few trees in a small area of Amazonia, and extrapolating. Most
> <of those 30 million extrapolated species would be insects, and around half
> <of those would be beetles. So by one estimate there may be around 15
> <million beetle species.
>
> Wow.  Wow wow wow...  That ain't "inordinately fond"; that's full-blown
> obsession.  Think God really has ... you know, glowing Wing Covers
> and Immaculate Antennae and Terrible Million-Faceted All-Seeing Eyes, and...
> Man!  All I can say is: I can't WAIT to see the look on Jack vanImpe's face.

Time to recycle an old joke (exrtacted from a post by by Ken Cox)

God:  And here's the next species, one I'm particularly proud of...
Adam: Beetle.
God:  Excellent.  Now here's another...
Adam: Beetle.
God:  No, you just named the last one "beetle".  This one is quite
      different -- look at the pattern on the wing cases, and the
      shape of the antennae...
Adam: Beetle.
God:  Well, OK, though they certainly look different to Me.  Now,
      the next species is --
Adam: Beetle.

                           -- Excerpt from "The *Real* Reason for the Fall"

Subject: Re: Evolutionism: The Beginning of the End
From: "Adam Marczyk" <ebonmuse@...>
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Russell Glasser <rglasser@...> wrote in message
news:198d54f9.0106291052.672a2626@posting.google.com...
> corvus094@... (BRYCE ADAMS) wrote in message
news:<23959-3B3ABF33-88@storefull-132.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
> > Maybe this is a good thing.  It certainly makes things easier for
> > biology teachers.
> > Typical Lecture:  ",,,therefore we see that bacterial flagella are too
> > irreducibly complex to be a product of evolution, so they must have been
> > fashioned by an Intelligent Designer, more specifically the christian
> > God.  Any Questions?,,,Good.  Talk among yourselves for the remaining 48
> > minutes.  I'm going to go get drunk in the teacher's lounge,"
>
> Here's an alternative scene I'd like to see...
>
> "Okay, class, thanks to the new law I am now required to give a fair
> hearing to alternative theories of origins besides evolution.
>
> "At the beginning of time, Amma (a supreme god who lived in the
> celestial regions and was the origin of all creation) created the
> Earth and immediately joined with it. But the Earth's clitoris opposed
> the male penis. Amma destroyed it, circumcising his wife, and they had
> a child, Ogo, and the twins, the Nommo. Ogo had no partner and was
> barren, so he introduced disorder into the world by committing incest
> with his mother, Earth. The first menstrual blood came from this
> union, as well as Yeban and Andumbulu, the spirits of the underworld.
> Amma created the stars by throwing pellets of earth into space. He
> created the sun and moon by modelling two white earthenware bowls, one
> encircled with red copper, the other with white copper. Black people
> were born under the sun and white people under the moon.
>
> "Any questions?  No?  Okay, let's get back to science..."

Silly evolutionist. We're not going to teach such plainly ridiculous,
antiquated fables in science class. Only _our_ ridiculous, antiquated fables
deserve consideration.

Subject: Re: Man is the centre of the universe after all
From: greig@... (David Iain Greig)
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Mark & Roslyn Elkington <marilyn@...> wrote:
>The diameter of the universe is thought to be about 10^+27 metres, and the
>size of the smallest subatomic particle < 10^-30m. Humans are of the order
>10^0m, and so on a logarithmic scale we are at the centre (more or less).

The center would be more like 10^(-1)m.  Thus proving cats are the center
of creation.

Subject: Re: The Marching Moron Plague
From: bguerrero@... (Bernard Guerrero)
Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if

starlord@... (Joe  Fleetlord  Hart) wrote in message
news:<3df4c020.0107021729.50a8642@posting.google.com>...

> Within weeks, virtually everyone with sub-average intelligence is
> dead, and most people of average intelligence are gone as well. People
> with IQ's over say, 120, are largely unaffected.
>
> What now?

I'm going to miss you all.  Deeply.  :^)

Subject: Re: Looking for a specific literary term...
From: "Tony Cooper" <tony_cooper213@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

Rowan Dingle wrote:

> What's the opposite of 'omniscient'?

I don't know.

Subject: NEW: PAR MIS Brannon Bragga Takes Over Alliance 1/1
From: "James Winter" <jwinter@one.net>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

["Alliance" is a series of stories written by the poster here, James Winter, which
takes place in the Star Trek Universe, but featuring original characters.  Brannon
Braga, of course, was the exec producer of "Voyager".]

Attention ASC Readers:

I am pleased to announce that I have taken over the popular USS Alliance
series.  As such, I feel a few changes are in order.

1.)  Captain Durant will be revealed to be married to an Andorian woman and
have two kids.
2.)  Anne Ripley's bra size henceforth will rival some of the Great Smokey
Mountains.
3.)  Mr. Kemper, being the youngest and smartest senior officer, will now be
utilized to his maximum potential.  In true Star Trek tradition, Kemper will
discover the solution to each crisis within four paragraphs of the end of
the story.
4.)  In an attempt to explore Vulcan sexuality, T'Paar will undergo pon farr
at least four times a year.
5.)  Lt. Chinarra, being Deltan and a very sexual being, will now have a bra
size rivalling some of the Rocky Mountains.
6.)  Captain Durant will be revealed to be a Mormon, married to several
Hooters girls from Salt Lake City.
7.)  Lt. Cmdr. Thaven will have no personality whatsoever, so that this
popular character can remain aboard the Alliance without overwhelming the
storylines like he has in previous, J Winter-penned offerings.
8.) Time travel stories will be limited to fifteen per year.  Time lines
will be resolved in exciting, last-minute solutions in the grand tradition
of Star Trek.
9.) In an effort to broaden Star Trek's horizons, I am pleased to announce
that Captain Durant will become Trek's first openly-gay character.  To make
him a more well-rounded, less-cliched character, Durant will now have a
hobby as an interior design, and will reveal a formerly latent eye for
fashion.
10.)  Ensign Qane will die in every story.
11.)  Kirk's Enterprise never existed.  It detracts too much from our vision
for the new Alliance.
12.)  In order to draw attention to the exciting and underutilized Andesian
race, Lt. Shervel's bra size will now rival some of the Himilayan Mountains.
14.)  Captain Durant will be revealed to be a 40-year-old virgin who has
taken a vow of chastity while a Tibetan monk.
15.)  Duffy will now be modeled after comedian Carrot Top.
16.)  In order not to offend conservative groups, who have supported Star
Trek over the years, the new Alliance stories will feature no openly gay
characters.

We hope you enjoy these new changes.  I'm looking forward to injecting some
life into this series and puttng my own special stamp on this incarnation of
Trek.

Sincerely,
Brannon Braga

Subject: Re: [OT] Dolphin sex (was: Re: What does God need with a starship?)
From: Keith Morrison <keithm@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

William December Starr wrote:

> Gay dolphins found in Brazil
>
> BRAZIL.  Scientists say they've witnessed
> homosexual sex among both male and female
> dolphins.  Researchers, who carried out the
> study on the island of Fernando de Norohna,
> say the findings prove sex can be "pleasure
> driven" for mammals.  According to the O Globo
> newspaper, 21 cases of gay sex occurred,
> including oral sex between lesbian dolphins.
>
> Two points: (1) leaving aside the fact that we humans are mammals
> too, has anybody seen a male dog rubbing its genital area against
> somebody's leg and _doubted_ that sex can be "pleasure driven" for
> mammals, and (2) how did the researchers know that the female
> dolphins in question were lesbian and not bisexual?

The dolphins had every episode of "Ellen" on videotape.

Subject: Episode List for Enterprise (Parody)
From: "Fanfic Chick" <vonnie3358@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, alt.startrek.creative, alt.tv.star-trek.enterprise

Due to UPN's desperate need to attract the all crucial 18-34 year old male
demographic, it's more than likely that the creative double-act of Brannon
Braga and Rick Berman is going to cater wholeheartedly to that audience.

Also as Berman commented recently, "It gives us a chance to deal with more
contemporary characters because they're closer to us now. And it also will
give the fans, I think, a wonderful opportunity to see things that they know
will be coming in future centuries in their infant stages, and seeing them
being developed and worked out."

On that note, I give you...

ENTERPRISE EPISODES - THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO (by Fanfic Chick)

(These story rumours are TOTALLY true I swear.  My friend snuck them out of
Paramount.)

THE KEGGER PARTY

Flying through space as warp five point nothing can be a little boring.
Captain Archer decides to haul out the beer kegs he's had tucked away in
storage for a party the crew will never forget.  The beer flows, the
bedsheets are transformed into togas and before you can say 'red alert' it's
'Animal House'!

DUDE, WHERE'S MY SHUTTLE?

This episode introduces a new, young male character to the crew.  He's keen
but he's not the brightest thing ever to hit Starfleet.  While out on a
mission with his other (dimwitted) friend, they accidentally lose the only
shuttle on the Enterprise.  Therein follows a hilarious forty minutes of
mistranslation between alien species as the boyz roam the planet asking,
"dude, where's my shuttle?"

PLEDGE NIGHT

Paddles galore, hooded figures, the consumption of live goldfish - it's all
just an average day of fun for the crew of the Enterprise!

PANTY RAID

The girls squeal and giggle their way through a gamma shift, as the boyz of
the Enterprise try to add to their trophy collection.

LOOK, I HAVE A LAMP JUST LIKE BRANNON'S

Captain Archer, ever the purveyor of 'art' shows off the new lamp in his
Ready Room.  Suspiciously, this is almost exactly like the nude female torso
lamp that turns up in the 'Trekkies' footage of Brannon's office^Å

NO, HIGH HEELS SERVE A PRACTICAL PURPOSE

T'Pol reveals why high heels are a practical accoutrement to any Vulcan
woman's wardrobe.  And also lipstick.  And big breasts.  And a really skin
tight costume.  It's all perfectly logical.  Tune in and find out why!

OH GOD, I FAILED FIRST CONTACT 101

Captain Archer wishes he hadn't been asleep during a crucial Academy class.

SURVIVOR - YOU VOTE FOR THE RED SHIRT TO DIE

In a twist on reality TV, viewers are invited to phone in and vote for which
security officer is going to die in this live action episode of Enterprise.
Journalists for entertainment magazines, swayed by massive amounts of free
lunches, merchandising and tours of the set, call the concept, "ground
breaking".

WWF SMACKDOWN - T'POL VERSUS THE ROCK

It was so popular on Voyager, they're doing it again!  See a woman in a
little teeny catsuit, fight a big wrestling guy.  Blood will fly, breasts
will jiggle.  It's the best of both worlds!

Subject: Re: #### ADD 6 INCHES TO YOUR PENIS ##### 8668
From: "Drew Dawg" <ajc97@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tv.futurama

> > oiveeg@nowhere.com wrote:
> >
> >> click here to add 6 inches to your cock
> >>
> >> http://www.[deleted].com/hugecock/
> >
> > I clicked "here" and I see no difference. That's false
> > advertising!
> >
> > ==
> > Mike Reed
>

> I clicked there and now I my penis is 6 inches thicker.
> --
> Pete

You're lucky.  I double-clicked it and now have to buy a wireless keyboard
and binoculars.  Unless there's a click to make your arms 12 inches longer.
;-)

Subject: Re: New Houghton Mifflin "Movie tie-in" cover art revealed
From: Tamfiiris C. M. Gloruloke <tamf@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien, rec.arts.books.tolkien

on Mon, 23 Jul 2001 12:48:40 GMT, Laurie Forbes writed:

>"Skins" (sometimes called "Themes") are simply virtual "clothing."  They
>change the appearance of the device you're using and are just for fun *.

i find it more amusing to peel skins off. beneath there's all kinds of
fun struff - muscles, stringy bits, and floods of fat. yum! try to get
them fresh, as the smell of formaldehyde ruins the experience a
little.

you can also make many nifty things out of skins, such as handbags,
shoes, saddles etc.

>You can change just the color of the device but keep its same shape or
>change its shape completely -- all by making configuration choices under the
>device's Preferences (Options, View, Whatever) menu.

this is called voodoo or witchcraft and is for experienced skinners
only.

sorry, MOM. };8)

Subject: Re: What goes "ribbit, ribbit"...
From: huey@... (Gary S.  Callison)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

I hate the West Wing so very much (pazuzu2u@...) wrote:
: Stranger things have happened. Fortean Times reported that birds in
: Europe have begun imitating the rings of cell phones.

A friend works in an office where there is a parrot. The parrot has
discovered that it can make all the humans in the room do the Macarena
simply by making the noise of a Nextel phone, which all of them carry. It
does this often.

After it rings a few times, it'll answer itself. "Hello!"

I think this is incredibly cool.

Subject: Re: building a remote control for a toyplane
From: Dave Hyde <nauga@...>
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.homebuilt

> IS IT POSSIBLE TO USE 2 CELLULAR PHONES TO CNTRL A TOY PLANE?
> ONE CELL PHONE(ON THE GROUND)CAN ACT AS THE TRANSMITTER.
> THE OTHER ONE CAN BE PLACED IN THE PLANE TO ACT AS THE RECEIVER.
> SIGNALS CAN BE SENT FROM ONE CELL PHONE TO THE OTHER.

Dunno about a 'toy' plane, but you can use this
technique in full-scale airplanes, FCC regs notwithstanding:

*deedle deedle*
"Hello?"
"Hey, come back south a little, man."
*click*

*deedle deedle*
"Hello?"
"OK, that was too far.  A little bit north."
*click*

*deedle deedle*
"Hello?"
"Right.  You were over us just a second ago.
Come back over and when you're over that tree,
do a little thingy or two."
"A thingy?"
"Yeah, you know, one of those..uh..thingy things
where the wings sort of go...you know."
*click*

*deedle deedle*
"Hello?"
"Nice one, you were almost right over us."
*click*
"Hey, pull up, dude!  Dude?"

Dave 'Airwaves' Hyde

Subject: Re: Creation in Tolkien & LewisRe: Calendar (Re: 13 days?)
From: RLV <xyx@zxz.yzy>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien

"Trevor Barrie" wrote in message:
> Flame of the West  wrote:
> >The Sixth Commandment is about more than adultery;
>
> Are you talking about some sort of Director's Cut of the Sixth
Commandment?

LOL!

> The version with which I'm familiar is just five words long: "Thou shalt
> not commit adultery". Call me a literalist, but I have great difficulty
> wrapping my head around the idea that this sentence is not just talking
> about adultery.

You must read between lines, er... words.

"You [the homosexuals] must not commit adultery [or any act of sex I don't
like]"

It is clearly implicit, isn't it?

Subject: Re: [I] - World of the Simians
From: steve-d@