Oh, how I love my girl...

There's been an interesting discussion on misogyny/sexism in general wandering through blogland, and Jessica Harris (love, love, *siiiiigh*) posted the essay on slash she wrote for Good Girl magazine to her own journal. Go read.

Hugely thought-provoking, and... uplifting. *g*
3:21 PM : link :

Murfle. Grumpf.

I'm awake. Sorta. Got some smut for yas. Oh, yes indeedy. Now with extra fluff.

Music: Owner of a Lonely Heart, because I'm just that cool.
2:06 PM : link :

Miiiiiine

Find out who your Smallville Lover is!

Brought to you by Juliette Torres.

mwahahahhahaaaa
3:36 PM : link :

Jillin' with my homies

So, a few of us were in IRC, discussing how hard it was to work up righteous outrage about Lanahate these days. Being as how I was drugged at the time, what *immediately* occurred to me was that I couldn't, for the life of me, picture Lana masturbating. At all. "You want me to put my hands down *there*?!" And so on.

Chloe, on the other hand...

Well. This is the result.

Enjoy. *g*
4:48 AM : link :

Is it possible...

... to be addicted to a discussion topic? Man, I just can't keep going *back* here. From jintian's blog, which I really am going to have to link to one of these days:

Intrigued once more by discussion of f/f slash and misogyny in Ins' LJ. Do people really use the excuse that female characters are too intimidating in their hot-ness, therefore they primarily write m/m slash? Maybe "intimidating" is the wrong word -- I think the phrasing Ins and others in her comments used was that certain women m/m slashers said they couldn't "identify" with women characters like, for instance, CJ Cregg, who is like, too tall or something.

Cara Chapel actually wrote a lovely and fascinating essay on this very topic. Namely, that the slim, gorgeous, model-perfect female characters just gave her nothing to latch on to, and messed with her in terms of her own body image issues. (If I'm mis-paraphrasing, slap me) It was the most *honest* thing I've ever read, and hey, I can grok that.

My own body image issues are relatively mild, considering, but I do sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to be able to see a slim blonde character and not have to *work* to avoid hating her on sight. I have some ideas about where that comes from, which I may explore when I figure it out in better detail.

Anyway, yeah, I think it's a valid reason to avoid writing m/f or f/f. If you can't get past your own self-loathing and/or envy and/or doubt, you probably *shouldn't* be writing a given character, male, female, or otherwise. Let's face it -- any reasonably intelligent reader can usually tell when the writer has Issues with a character, and it tends to hurt the story.

Then again, it's rare that you get someone willing to be as *honest* about this issue as Cara Chapel. I *do* think some people are making excuses to cover a basic level of misogyny... just not all of them.

Heh. Now I'm thinking about the idiot who called me a misogynist because I "barely write any" f/f and m/f. Of course I don't, if you go by percentages. But if you were to count the actual *stories*... Well. Anyway. Growl, babble, growl.

Back to the blog circuit.
12:07 AM : link :

I Do Not Hate My Parents

Really, I don't.

Despite the fact that they promised they'd be back from their overnight trip in time to wake me from my narcotic stupor and get me in to see the surgeon. They were not.

You know, I *could* have made travel arrangements that *didn't* involve them, but... I trusted them.

And now I have to wait until next Wednesday.

And yet, I do not hate my parents.

I do not hate them. Nope, no. No hate.

*GROWL*
5:18 PM : link :

blather, gibble... updated link to Sarah T.'s blog...
10:57 PM : link :

And While I've Got You Here...

Way back when I was a pitiful excuse for a 'phile, running ginormous mailing lists and writing up a storm (while avoiding actually *watching* the show as much as I could get away with), I sat around and wondered what was *up* with all the clearly insane fen who surrounded me and seemed to thrive on making my life a living *hell*. Mind you -- this is *after* I abandoned the hellpit that was ATXC. And I came up with some theories.

Warning, the following is an opinion. My opinion. And you *know* what those are like. Also, while my tongue isn't actually *in* my cheek, it's pointed in that direction. Ready? Okay.

It's a pretty obvious thought that people are going to be attracted to characters who represent them in some way, whether it's full out identification (Joss is stalking me! Me! Me!), or just a matter of "hey, I like the way that character thinks." So, as fen drift to their various fandoms, is it so hard to believe that looking at the shows themselves can lead to some level of insight about (some of) the fen who love them?

Take X-Files, for an example. Here is a show that celebrates paranoia, poor socialization, rebelliousness in terms of authority, kink (no, really), and the marginalization of women into strictly defined -- albeit varied -- roles. Did I *really* think I could run two 500+ member mailing lists *without* constant drama? The feuds were legendary. The personalities were massive. The misunderstandings -- deliberate and not -- went on for *months* at a time. The camps were rigidly structured and violently defended.

I burnt out fast and *hard*, man, because even the people I was close to in the fandom weren't immune to this sort of thing, and *I* sure as hell wasn't.

But surely, I thought, it can't *all* be that way, right?

So... Due South. Here is a show whose primary character lives the iron-clad rules for civility and the rule of law in the modern era, all the while simmering with enough repressed issues to choke a Freudian. There's rage in there, and desperate loneliness, and despair, and raw animal need... but if *you* can get him to admit that to anyone but the dead... well, you're one up on the rest of us. And what did I find on the mailing lists? Sweet, caring people who would share recipes and hugs for all who needed them and laid the smack down (politely, ever so politely) on anyone who used foul language or implied that -- heaven forfend -- someone who runs after the woman who shot his canine partner, framed his best friend, and otherwise did the best she could to destroy his life... well, no, he doesn't have issues at *all*.

And neither do I! Go away, you meanie, you're destroying the fandom!

Right then, this Buffy place looks kind of neat. Pretty boys, tough girls, subtext-o-rama, I'm so there. Here we have a show that celebrates youth over age, orphan-status over parents, girls over boys, snark over depth (in the characters' minds, I mean). So... you've got a tremendously *young* fandom, chock full of people who know about as much about fannish history as Buffy knows about the French language, and let's not even *talk* about all the lessons that need to be learned about the proper ways to handle interpersonal relationships. *shudder*

Boundaries are for testing, if not outright disposal. Xander is for torturing. As is Giles. And Spike. And... every other male on the show. Heh. It's all about reaching out, trying every new thing that comes down the pike and seeing how it works. And, you know what? For all the times I get irritated with the ignorance that abounds in various ways, I am, in general, down with this. UCSL uber alles, yo.

So, there you have it. My theory. I wonder how Smallville will turn out...

And, in case it wasn't obvious? There are, as always, exceptions to the rule. Many. Most of whom I cleave to in my desperate need to pretend that fandom isn't slowly driving me batshit.
6:29 PM : link :

Just gimme an excuse, baby...

So, I've discovered that I pretty much have two modes on my glorious painkiller cocktail: Excruciating Babble and Coma.

And the coma? Full of way too interesting dreams. Must remember to scare the crap out of my sweetie with the cult one. But first! Kita's giving me an excuse:

Do you consider this fandom a true community? In what sense?

Yes, absolutely. There's something for everyone, be it opportunities to produce/create, opportunities to house said creations, opportunities to consume said creations, opportunities to "pay" for creations via feedback/critique, opportunities to mentor/be mentored, feast days and carnivals (awards), etc.

And, of course, plenty of opportunities to hate the whole thing, or parts of the whole thing, because that's what communities are about. Utopia being both "good place" and "no place."

What are the members' of the community responsibilities to one another, (if any)?

Errrrrk... let's not go there. In a perfect world, I'd like there to be an atmosphere of mutual respect, in which we all smoke our respective varieties of that bad crack rock and nobody's crack is better than anyone else's, etc., etc. But, well, a lot of people have never really internalized that Golden Rule, and probably never will. I would rather have a free-for-all in which we all carve out places where we can be comfortable than to try and impose some sort of *order* on things.

Still, though... the Golden Rule is golden for a *reason*.

Who are the other members of this community? Buffy writers? Buffy VIPs who post at the Bronze? Or is that just wishful thinking on our parts? (Star-fucking, if you will)

Everyone who defines themselves as part of it, and quite a few of the people who don't. A case could be made that the lurker/consumer types who never post stories or art, never make archives, never add to any discussions, and never send feedback aren't really a part of any given fandom, but... no. Doesn't work for me. They're our silent majority, and quite a few of them move to more actively participatory roles over time, for one reason or another.

What are our rights as members of this community with regards to the PTB? IE, does Joss et al owe us anything for our audience participation?

Heh. They owe us quality, man. Same as any writer, any artist. They owe it to both us and themselves to give us the best crack they can produce.

What do you give to the community? And what do you get out of it in return?

Blood. Er... *snerk*. I don't know. I really don't know. I'd be more comfortable having someone answer this question for me for any number of reasons, not least of which because I think the notion of what is given is best answered by those who receive. Er... sometimes. But, well, a shallow answer: Stories. Art. Recs. Thoughts. Archives. Feedback. Criticism. I'm a producer *and* a consumer, and that's been true since the first piece of fan fiction I ever read, back when I thought torch was a man.

What do I get? All of the above. And escapism. And safe spaces. And unsafe spaces where I can make my brain exercise. Endless masturbatory material. Friends. Lovers. Business connexions.

And so on, and so on...

Music: "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls
5:59 PM : link :

Ins is so smart

*eats her brain*

Seriously, go check out her con report/post on misogyny, because it's a lot smarter, cooler, and coherent than this is likely to be. A percocet *and* a darvocet. I still hurt, but you know what? I don't care!

Woo-hoo!

Er... yes.

So. I've ranted and wibbled and sucked all sorts of bandwidth when it comes to this topic, and before reading Ins' post I honestly thought I was done. This is why they don't pay me to think, people. One of the first things that caught my eye was how Ins wished she'd changed the name of the panel to *sexism* in slash. I mean, wow, talk about a blow to the head.

One of the reasons I avoided femslash (I, too, have issues with their needing to be a separate term, but for some reason it's easier for me to type femslash than f/f. Go figure.) for so long was because of all the *male* bashing. Specifically the Mulderbashing, since we're going back to my early days in fandom. Someone -- Hal, I think -- once said that the Scullyslash people were in an entirely different fandom, and, after reading some of the stories... well, yeah, they were.

Never mind the often questionable characterization of Scully (hey, Chris Carter didn't), never mind the often mind-numbingly *nice* smut... I just couldn't deal with all the Mulderhate.

[Insert rant about hatefic here.]

It... *bugged* me. And I was never a very big fan of Mulder. At the time, I thought it was just the usual writerly laziness -- need a character out of the way? Cut him off at the knees. I never thought to apply it to the towering *rage* I felt at the way female characters were treated in m/m slash. Hm. Bad me? Maybe. Though I've written a fair amount of femslash, I've never felt the need to seek out those areas of fandom specifically devoted to it. There either *was* no decent (imo) femslash for the characters I was interested in (Marrow/Rogue Now!), or I was getting everything I needed from the general slash/uc pairing lists.

[Insert Hail to UCSL here]

I just don't know enough about that particular sub-community to make any judgment calls. So... sexism in slash. We know it exists, okay? We *do*. It can be more or less subtle than out and out hatefic, but it's *there*. What to do about it? Well, I haven't the foggiest clue. If I come across a story that I find to be well-written and entertaining save for some sort of glaring character bashing/apparent sexism, I call the author on it with some constructive critique, same as I do for any other promising-but-not-awesome piece of work.

Mef. I'm getting lost.

What else did I want to talk about?

Oh, yeah. Age differences. I remember having a long, heated argument with Dawn Sharon about... God, what was it about? We were driving in New York City, and we were talking about Highlander and also... XF. I think. And I think my Issue of the Moment was how I had a real problem with fen letting female characters off the hook for glaring flaws, or being perfectly willing to read fic that did the same. I remember being quite righteous about the whole thing, because, dammit, a good critical examination of any given bit of media must be a *fair* one, and that meant no pulling punches.

Certainly not just because a character was *female*. Because, really, if anything, we female fen needed to be *ruthless*. Because... because... okay, I was probably still dealing with my affirmative action issues, and all the good and bad that A.A. had done for me.

Her argument was this -- she'd come up in a time where even if you were lucky enough to *start* a show with a strong, intelligent, *capable* female character, by the end of the show's run she'd be downright useless. There was an urge to *protect*, a drive to *accept*, because, dammit, you never knew when the rug was going to be pulled out from under you.

(Ah, Scully, we hardly knew ye...)

And... I get that. I really do. Ask anyone who had the misfortune to be in my way when Angel started cutting Gunn off at the knees this season. I'm *sensitive* to this stuff, even when I do my best to skewer my darlings and let them be flawed. Especially my brown-skinned darlings because, dammit, you never know when TPTB will decide the poor bastard needs to die.

From Ins:

Someone said that when reading female characters in fanfic, especially in f/f slash, she felt -- objectively or not -- like she was getting way too much from the [presumably female] author, it came off like authorial insertion. I raised my big point about the issue, which is basically that I find it a far worse case of authorial insertion for a female author writing m/m slash to deny/cover/ignore where such denial is a distortion of characterization the feelings of a male character towards a female character because the author does not feel comfortable dealing with female character. In other words, if you, female author, do not like or respect Buffy, I don't mind. No problemo, different strokes and all that. If, however, you write a story in which our normal, everyday Xander inexplicably does not like or respect Buffy because of this, then I have a problem.

I think this is the only place where I came close to disagreeing, if only because I've tended to find a lot more man-hating (save in Angel/Spike, where misogyny runs wild and free), than misogyny in Buffyland. And I'm not just talking about the fic. I think this is the first season where the male characters are suffering less than the female ones. I mean, S4 was buttmonkey-land for *every* male character on the show except, maybe, for Riley. Basically, there are a *lot* of people in the Buffy fandom who, for one reason or another, can't *stand* Buffy.

However, from my own very unscientific look at things, these same writers have no problems whatsoever with most of the other female characters. Or, even if they do, they still *adore* Faith. So, yeah. I tend to see more writerly laziness/hatefic than misogyny in all the bad Buffyfic.

But then again... hmm. I bet if you separated things out by pairing, you'd get interesting results.

And... I'm giving up on having a point now.

9:04 PM : link :

Update

Saw Dr. Coffin, who was smart enough to only poke me the once. I mean, you can *see* the distended hey-is-that-an-alien-about-to-burst-out-of-your-chest-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me? *thing* that is my belly, but that never seems to stop most doctors, IME. She referred me to a surgeon she trusts, I'll be talking to him tomorrow. In the meantime? I have bigger, manlier painkillers.

Hmm. These would be the painkillers I liked so much that I started smoking pot so I could get off of them.

At this point? I can't bring myself to worry about *that*.
7:08 PM : link :

Slurrrrrrp.

It occurs to me that there's real merit in the "walk it off" mentality. No, wait, this isn't just some wannabe-butch testosterone-poisoned bullshit. (Though it could be the insomniac ravings of a madman. Woman. Fuck you.) Basically, here's the deal. I've put off going to the hospital until I can get through to my doctor. Basically? I don't want to sit around the waiting room and be poked and asked useless questions by doctors Who Don't Know Me if at all possible.

People with chronic illnesses -- I know you feel me. God, the number of times I've sat there and patiently filled out all the forms only to have some new doctor barely even look at them and Ask Me The Same Stupid Fucking Questions. Over and over and over and the ER is *never* warm enough and they *never* give you enough blankets and all the beeping, the hideous beeping, the tintinnabulation of the beeping --

er. Yes.

So, yeah. Wait until I can get Dr. Coffin on the horn. Break it down for her, make bloody fucking sure there's someone waiting for me at the hospital when I go sometime later. Maybe after I sleep. If I sleep.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Slurp. Sucking it up. If you can make yourself get up, go outside -- I find this is key, exercise equipment doesn't cut it -- and walk around the corner or something... well, it helps.

BUT. Only if you can convince yourself that the macho bullshit attitude of "suck it up and deal" has any validity whatsoever. I mean, I *know* that there's no practical help for my diseased, distended gall bladder in walking around. I certainly don't feel any better *physically*.

BUT -- I sucked it up.

Heh.

Thanks guys, for all the well wishes. They mean a lot.
7:10 AM : link :