DATE: 14-June-2001 RATING: NC-17 WARNINGS: yaoi, lemon, angst, death Response to Wolf's line challenge.
Dedicated to: Barb and DaMoyre
"Never do that again." I once told Heero.
I meant that as a double-entendre. To the others who heard that, they thought I meant the self-destruct move.
But that wasn't the only thing I wanted to tell him.
It was also a silent plea for him to never, leave me again like that.
If he ever got the message, is a mystery to me.
"You're so beautiful, koi," he whispered to me, as he snaked his hands up my shirt and licked the back of my earlobes. "You're so damned gorgeous."
I pulled his head gently and kissed him softly, then when I felt his tongue, I slyly pulled away. He groaned. "You're beautiful yourself Heero."
His cobalt-blue eyes hardened, as my hands went down and unzipped his pants. I tugged all his clothes away even as he was ravaging my chest. "Come, now, Trowa. This time it's my game."
"Let me have the first dance. Then I'll let you lead the rest of the night." I purred, sucking at his lower lip. My hand slowly found its way to his aching cock. It was hard enough when my fingers first took it in its hold. Softly stroking him, it went harder than before. I chuckled.
"Patience, now, patience, my love," I lowered my head, my tongue darting out and was now teasing his cock as it licked ever so slowly around its tip, and down the whole of its length. "Remember."
He was now thrusting his hips forward. Not a good sign if I wanted him to take me tonight. Reluctantly, I pulled my mouth away. His grunt indicated he was demanding for my berefting him, but I just slid off my own clothes and tossed it behind.
"Open your eyes, beautiful, and come see the light." I purred, pushing his head down and rubbing the tip of my cock against his nose.
Obediently, his eyes opened. When he saw me completely naked, his eyes lit up. "So I guess it's my turn, ne?"
I didn't get to answer. Swiftly, he pulled me down to his side and pinned me by the door. "Now where do you want to be fucked, beautiful?"
A thousand thoughts went swirling through my head, as his mouth was assaulting my nipples, and his hand was dangerously stroking my neglected arousal. "...mmm..." I whimpered. "Tie me by the bed?"
He laughed. That was one of the few things that he rarely shows anyone else but me. He lifted me up and softly dropped me on the bed. With a sadistic grin, he withdrew something, then tied my left hand first to the post, then the other. Then he spread my legs apart and said, "Does that suit you?"
I know it's weird, but most of our lovemaking, we tend to do some weird things. Call it weird but we believe that life is too short, and so we wanted to make the best of it and try every possibility. This time, we are risking of having our last sex, for tomorrow, we would be going on a mission that might cost us our lives.
He saw the fear in my eyes, as brief as it was. "Fear not, koi. We'll pull through somehow."
I never answered. Nor did he utter another word.
One lubricated finger was inserted. Then another. I arched my body to give him more room.
"....more...." I choked out, and he complied, as a third finger was inserted into my entrance. "...please...Heero...now!"
With the precision that I admired in him, he took my mouth the same time that I felt him sliding into me. The feeling of his hard arousal inside me making a tight fit was both painful and sensual.
"Don't...fight me, Trowa. Love...me." He said in between pants.
I gripped my hands into tight little balls. I wanted to bury my hands through his hair, as he drove in and out of me at a rather slow and sensual pace. It wasn't his usual style; in fact this was the first time he'd ever done that to me.
His hot tongue made little circles from my temple, down to my abdomen. He was driving me crazy, and he knew that. His little seductive throaty sounds were also edging me out of sanity, as he struck the one spot that sends shivers of pleasure coursing thru my body.
"Heero," I begged, as he was torturing me with his slow strokes. "Faster." I thrusted my hips upward, more forcefully than intended, to indicate the need that was consuming me like a log to a fire.
He left me for a moment, and I thought he took that as a complaint. This was his game after all, he could do what he wanted. Sweat was breaking out from my forehead, and we hadn't even reached half of our ecstacy yet.
Then I felt my arms go free. "Heero?"
His smile belonged to those of an angel's. Rumpled hair and sweaty skin, but to me he looked more angelic than human. "Tonight, it's our game, koi. I want you to experience what you've been doing to me, and still participate."
I welcomed his length back. As he went inside again, I buried my hands in his thick dark brown hair, while his own hands were busily stroking my neglected arousal, and keeping his grip on my waist. I nipped at his earlobe as he continued to drive me to completeness.
Our rhythm was slow and sensual, like the waves lapping on the rocks of a beach at moonlit nights. He'd always loved the opposite, but tonight he was letting me have a taste of my own medicine. He drove in and out slowly and easily, as I writhed in pleasure. The searing goodness of his hot shaft hitting my pleasure spot was so much, that we were both making sounds of extremity, arousing the other more and more.
I was on my peak of orgasm; I clutched at his back, digging my fingers as I came screaming his name. "God! Hee-"
He swallowed the rest of my words, as I felt my seed coating both of us. He held on longer, thrusting faster every minute, his pace going from slow to hard and fast.
When he came, it was my turn to swallow his own words. At last, total completeness. He fell sideways on the bed, leaving his arm on top of me. I looked at him, feeling sated, though I rather wanted him to stay buried inside me.
These are the times when I wonder what I'll do when the time has come for us to completely part.
As if reading my thoughts, he spoke aloud. "Trowa, what if tomorrow comes and I'm not here anymore."
That was asked in a way that he usually makes questions sound more like a statement. He uses it to hide any emotion that he feels, and I know its fear. Fear for me.
"Hush, koi. We'll pull through tomorrow." I shivered despite the calmness of my tone, and I held him more tightly against me. He snuggled into my chest and seemed to drift off to sleep.
But I didn't sleep. I was much too troubled by what he'd said, and my mind was filled with endless fears of his dying tomorrow at the mission. I know it's paranoid, that his being the perfect soldier is one reason enough for me to laugh at my fears.
After a few moments of silence, as I was drifting off to sleep, he said softly, in the softest tone he'd never used, "If you soar into heaven once, you know the way forever."
Why did I dream of Duo yelling at me that even perfect soldiers could die?
We're back at the safe house. Eveyone seems to have forgotten the earlier tragedy. Duo and Wufei are watching some football game, and Quatre was intervening to stop their bickerings about the game.
Only Heero was absent from the usual scene. If he were here, he would have taken the place across from me by the table. I would be reading some book, and he would be there, typing in his laptop.
The laptop was still there at the last place he'd left it.
Stifling a sigh, I stood up and slowly made my way to the laptop. My fingers lingering on the keyboards he'd loved and laid his fingers on, I closed my eyes and let my memories flood back...
"Heero..." I entered his room at the Peacemillion slowly and quietly.
He looked up, and I saw his cobalt-blue eyes tinged with pain. "I remember."
He looked away. "You remember, but you can never run away from your life."
"Quatre?"
"Yes."
I was speechless. I could only look and silently question him.
"Dying hurts like hell, but heartbreak hurts even more."
He turned away. I hastily closed the space between us and forced him to look at me. "How can you be heartbroken when I still love you?"
"Trowa?"
I blinked, rather surprised that I'd been lost in thought again. I looked behind my shoulder and realized that Quatre had been talking to me. I looked up and saw his sea-green eyes filled with unshed tears.
I've never shed a single tear. And even as I saw his, it never managed to prick mine.
"Trowa...are you...okay?"
"I am."
"But..." he gestured towards my hands, still resting ontop of the keyboards. His tears flowed freely then.
"Your eyes...filled with tears...for me?" He asked me, as he lay broken in my arms.
"Trowa," Duo placed both his hands in my shoulders. "Don't be so hard on yourself." Even Shinigami's violet eyes were shining with tears, and even he lets them flow down from his eyes.
But it still never pricked me.
Not even when Wufei closed the laptop and murmured, "I'll miss you, baka."
"No!" I refused to believe the signs around me. I closed my eyes as I refused to acknowledge Duo's tears flowing freely, and Wufei letting loose his hair to hide the storm of emotions I sensed on his face.
I even held my hands to my ears as I heard Quatre let his anguish out in hysterical sobs.
"No..." I held him in my arms, frantically caressing him and kissing him at the same time. "No..." I whispered over and over again. His eyes fluttered open, but I knew it when the end is near.
"Trowa, you have to let it go." Duo's voice was surprisingly calm, even as he forced me to open my eyes and pried my hands away from my ears. I found myself looking at pained violet eyes, his lips trembling with the efforts of staying calm.
/Even Shinigami is crying.../
"Accept the truth...he's gone already." I averted my eyes and found Wufei, still with his head hung low, his hair concealing his face from us. "Not even love can bring him back."
/Even the dragon was cowering at death.../
"Please...Trowa," Quatre stepped closer to me, and buried his head in my chest as wrapped his arms around me. "I...I know how much it hurts..." he said in between sobs, "But please...don't block the truth..."
/Even an angel feels the woes of a mortal.../
"If there was one thing I wanted right now...it would be you saying three simple words. I love you." It was his final wish...and the last time I'll ever tell him that.
I held his eyes with mine, while I kissed his hand, "I love you."
I saw the look of love in his eyes as he closed them...and when I heard him sigh...
I knew he was gone.
Stricken, I snapped back to reality and faced the three persons who were overcomed with grief, the three persons whom I know will react to his death...but I didn't even know they'll be the ones who'll teach me how to accept and let go.
My eyes fell on the paper beside the laptop. All this time, I've never noticed its presence before, never wanting to go near the laptop that held so many painful memories.
I picked it up.
"Gomen, koi, but this is the only way. I can only die once. I can love forever."
I crumpled the paper, and whispered, "Never do that again."
As I said that, the tears came and rolled down slowly. "Please, Heero, never do that again." I dropped to my knees and buried my face in my hands, kissing fervently the piece of paper. "Ai shiteru, and good bye...koi."