It was March of their freshman year in college at Crestwood College, and
Xander and Oz were roommates. A little strange, sure, but since the sudden
removal of Buffy from their lives, and Willow deciding she needed a life
elsewhere, Oz and Xander found themselves living a normal life as college
boys. Well, relatively normal.
ìOz?î Xander was fidgeting with his books, pretending to study while Oz
actually got some work done.
ìWhat, Xander?î
ìI... Okay, I can say this, weíre good friends. I think, Iím pretty darn
sure... I know. Okay, I know.î
ìXander, what the hell are you talking about?î
Although there was little inflection in the tone, Xander was shocked enough
by the ìoutburstî to spit out what he was thinking.
ìI want Giles.î He ducked his head slightly, but peeked up through his
lashes to see Ozís reaction.
ìHuh.î Oz looked back down at his work.
ìThatís it? I tell you I have feelings for a man who most people think is my
father figure, and all I get out of you is ëhuhí?î
ìWhatís bothering you the most here, Xander? Admitting your crush on Giles,
or the fact that it doesnít surprise me?î
Xanderís anger was quickly quelled, and he tried a sheepish shrug. ìI donít
know.î He pouted slightly, and then looked Oz in the eyes. ìWhy doesnít it
surprise you? Is this regular Oz non-emotion, or do you know me better than I
think you do?î
Oz sat quietly for a full minute, ignoring Xanderís exasperated looks and
trying to think of the most delicate way of phrasing his thoughts.
ìYou never noticed him checking out your ass?î Okay, so he wasnít winning
points for delicacy, but Oz figured Xander wouldnít mind.
ìHuh?î Xanderís eloquence was breaking records set by Ozís delicacy.
ìHe wants you, too. Heís just too dignified to make a pass at an eighteen-
year-old. But, lately heís been blushing around you as much as you do it
around him. I think he understands the situation a little better than you do,
though.î
Oz slipped back into reticence; he was pretty sure he was close to his word
quota for the day. Xander, on the other hand, was silent out of confusion.
He took off his glasses, the product of three years of late night research,
and rubbed his temples, wondering exactly how he was supposed to handle the
new development.
 

The Watchers had relented. Slightly. Giles would no longer have a Slayer,
but his experience with the Hellmouth made him a valued consultant for the
Council. They basically called him whenever they were confused and in need of
information. They didnít want to lose a man with that much knowledge, who
could feel equally at home whether he was in the British Museum or an American
high school. So, Giles spent his time constantly looking for prophecies,
demons and anything else that the Council didnít really want to deal with on
their own. On this night, as on so many others, Xander was helping him with
research.
They had been doing this for awhile now, the two of them researching alone.
Oz had a new band, and between that and his lycanthropy, there were many
nights when he was just too busy to join in on the research parties.
So, Giles was left alone with Xander. Often. And, much to his chagrin, he
found himself having feelings for the boy which were... a tad unexpected. He
hadnít had a relationship since Jenny. And he hadnít been with a man since
Ethan. And, gods, that relationship had been over before Xander was even
born, so this was wrong on all sorts of levels.
But it wouldnít just go away. He had tried to ignore it, using all the years
of training himself to be the stuffy, proper Brit that everyone expected, but
it just didnít help. He felt like a teenager again, waiting excitedly for the
next hint of danger so that Xander would be pulled off campus and back to the
library where he belonged. The wanting had only increased when Xander showed
up one evening wearing glasses and sheepishly explained that the involvement
with Giles had finally damaged him. Giles had successfully held back a few
obvious sexual jibes, deciding that loosening up that much would really scare
Xander off.
For the first time in a long time, Giles found himself nervous and completely
clueless about something. He didnít know if he was ready to get back in
relationship mode yet. And, being with Xander would definitely not constitute
a run-of-the-mill relationship. And he didnít even know for sure what
Xanderís feelings were. As far as he could tell, Xander seemed to have some
sort of interest in him, but he didnít want to push the issue. Every time he
convinced himself that there was a slight chance for a relationship, the
phrase ìstatutory rapeî ran through his head. Sure, Xander was legal, and he
was out of high school, but Giles was having trouble not feeling guilty about
initiating something with a person who had only been a boy when he first met
him. Of course, he had grown up a lot since then, and Giles found himself in
love with the man he had become.
He skipped over the thought, deciding it required
deliberation he didnít want to get into with Xander there, and chanced a
surreptitious look at the younger man. When he raised his head from the book,
he found Xander staring back at him. Xander blushed, Giles stammered a
comment on the research, and they both looked back down. They tended to get
stuck at this point quite often. Giles would usually look back up at Xander,
who would continue to read as if nothing had happened, as if absolutely no
sexual tension existed.
But, this time when Giles looked up, Xander was looking back at him. Rather
avidly.
ìXander, is there something wrong?î Xander looked down, then back up, with
something akin to hope in his eyes.
ìNo.î Xanderís voice cracked. He tried again. ìNot really. Iíve just been
thinking.î
ìWell, that can never be good.î Gilesís small jibe died on his lips as
Xander came around the big, oak table and perched on it next to the older man.
Xander didnít say anything for a few seconds, trying to gather his courage.
He ran through the pep talk Oz had given him before he left for the library,
and finally started talking to Giles.
ìOkay, Iíve been thinking. About how screwed up my life tends to be, about
the few things that are actually still functional, and about what I can
possibly do to make life a little more livable.î Giles looked on, confused.
ìSo, with all this thinking, and some good advice, I made a decision that
could turn out to be a normal, idiotic choice, or one that makes everything
all better. Thing is, which it turns out to be is sort of up to you.î
Giles was a little less confused, but he didnít let himself hope that Xander
was thinking what he wanted him to be thinking. That would be impossible, and
perfect, and slightly frightening, and full of more complications. But,
because fate has a quirky sense of humor, Xander did exactly what Giles was
wishing and dreading he would do.
Before Giles could even process the move, Xander had gotten off the table,
and pressed his lips against Gilesí. Giles was too shocked to respond at
first, but, finding the object of his reluctant desire in his arms, he quickly
adapted. Xander was everything he had dreamed he would be. He tasted like
youth, and lust, and just a little insecurity. It was a heady combination and
Giles rapidly lost himself in the kiss. And then his rationality kicked in.
He pulled away and got out of his chair, walking across the room and away from
Xander.
ìWe canít do this.î His voice was flat and authoritative, brooking no
argument, and Xander jumped to the first conclusion his brain offered him.
He didnít look at Giles, not wanting
to see the rejection that he was sure would be there. Giles got a little more
control, and walked back over to Xander, knowing him well enough to realize
what Xander must be thinking. He put a hand under Xanderís chin and lifted
his head so he could look him in the eyes.
ìIs this what you really want?î
Xander snorted derisively at him. ìGiles, short of singing ëDonít Stand So
Close to Me,í I couldnít think of a more direct approach.î
Giles smirked slightly, but remained on task. ìXander, thatís my point. Are
you sure this isnít just a forbidden thrill for you? Iím more than twice your
age. Iím a *man* whoís more than twice your age. Iíve been in an authority
position in your life since we met. If we do this, I know that one morning
youíll wake up and the novelty will have worn off.î
ìAnd, youíre not willing to indulge yourself for the nights heading up to
that one morning?î He fell back on his one sure fire crutch, humor, but Giles
wasn't having it.
ìXander, it just canít be that way. I care about you too much to throw this
away on your curiosity. I have a lot at stake, emotionally and otherwise. I
havenít been with a man in over twenty years. Not since I was trying
everything I could think of to not be the man my father wanted me to be. I
know how it feels to want to experiment, but Iím not ready to throw away our
friendship so you can just try this out.î He was in full lecture mode,
sounding more adult and in control than Xander had ever heard him before, and
it was a bit too much to take.
Xander wrenched away from Giles and turned towards the table. He had had a
sudden moment of clarity about Giles' calm lecture, and was bitching at his
perceptiveness for showing up at inopportune moments. He knew why Giles was
protesting the relationship.
ìThis isnít about me at all. Youíre just scared of taking this risk.î Giles
cringed at the quiet words. They hit just a little too close to home. He was
suddenly glad that Xander still had his back turned, but that was only
momentary, because Xander whirled around towards him, eyes blazing.
ìI took a pretty goddamn big risk in even trying anything with you, and you
canít work up the courage to actually give this a chance? What stupid reason
are you worried about? What people will say? Or that it wonít last and
youíll be alone? Iím not Buffy, Iím not Willow, and Iím certainly not Ms.
Calendar. I wouldnít leave you. I know all to well what that feels like.
ìI actually thought this would work. It all fit so perfectly. Youíre the
one person who stayed around. The one person who didnít leave me, and
actually let me know that you cared. And now that we have this great chance,
you donít have the balls to deal with it.î
Before Giles could respond, Xander had grabbed his bag and headed for the
exit. As he pushed the library doors open, he turned back to Giles.
ìI could have loved you. So easily.î
He turned back around and stalked out, leaving the doors swinging in his
wake.
 

fin