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"I don't want her here any more.  In my home."

Xander glared at Giles.  "And why not?"

"You know why not."  Giles returned the steely gaze, narrowing his eyes as
he spoke.  "And what do you think she would say if she knew?"

Now Xander sighed, his entire body slumping as he turned away from Giles.
And his voice dropped to a whisper.  "Well, it's over.  You don't want me.
You made that perfectly clear.  And she does."

As quiet as the accusation was, it hung heavily in the air for several
long moments.  Finally, Giles broke the silence.  "Is that what you really
think?  That it's a matter of not *wanting* you?"

Xander shrugged, face still pointed at the ground.  "Isn't it?"

Giles carefully moved to Xander and rested his hand on the teen's
shoulder.  He wanted to make some glib remark and break the tension, but
he realized that would make things worse.  Might as well go for the
serious discussion.  "No, it's not.  Xander, when this -- when *we*
started, there were extenuating circumstances.  And now there aren't, so
there's no need --"

"No need?"  Xander blinked deliberately, then stepped back and away from
the fingers that had mysteriously slipped under the collar of his shirt
and caressed the skin beneath the fabric.  "Okay, thanks for clearing that
up.  I feel *so* much better now."  He smiled tightly when Giles flinched
at his words.  "And now, if you don't mind, I think it's time for me to
get back to my life."

But as Xander was pulling on his coat, Giles moved to the door.  "I
disagree."  He watched as Xander first pulled his shirtsleeves to his
jacket cuffs and then straightened his collar, patiently waiting for the
teen to turn his attention to the door.  Once Xander's eyes were fixed on
the doorknob, Giles carefully moved his hand to the lock and turned it.
"No interruptions this time."

"Huh?"  Now Xander blinked rapidly, confused by this turn of events.

"Sit down."

"Huh?"  Still confused, Xander obeyed.  Giles waited until the younger man
was seated before moving away from the door and taking his own place on
the other end of the couch.  "Are you going to yell at me?"

Giles sighed at the resignation in Xander's voice.  "No, I am not."  He
stretched one hand, palm facing up, out to Xander.  Now Xander sighed,
taking the older man's hand in his own and pulled the attached arm over
his shoulder, moving to Giles' side.  "Take your coat off?"  He smiled,
not removing his hand from Xander's shoulder, as Xander struggled to do as
requested without pulling away.  Finally jacket-free, Xander leaned back,
head resting on Giles' shoulder.  "Do you want the explanation?"

"You mean the one I never got?"  Giles froze at the words, then relaxed
slightly as Xander turned, wrapping one arm around Giles' waist and
resting his head against Giles' chest.  "Not right now.  I'd rather just
stay like this for a while and pretend it didn't happen."

They sat, in silence once more, for several long moments before Giles
decided to break the spell.  "But it did happen."

"Giles, please don't."

"But you do need to hear this, even if you don't want to."  Now Giles
moved his hand to Xander's head, trailing his fingers through silky hair.
"At least I need you to hear it."

"Giles --"

"And then you can decide."

Now Xander pulled away, sitting up and gazing at Giles once more in
confusion.  "Decide what?"

Giles reached for Xander, smiling faintly when Xander again settled his
head against Giles' chest.  "Whether to hate me."

Xander sighed.  "I don't hate you."  He pulled his hand from Giles' waist,
moving it to rest next to his head on Giles' chest.  "I *can't* hate you.
Because that would mean..."

Silent seconds ticked by, and Xander didn't finish his sentence.  "That
would mean what?"

Once more, Xander pulled away from Giles and sat upright, this time facing
the former Watcher with the most serious expression Giles could remember
ever seeing.  On *anyone*, not just the normally happy-go-lucky teen.
"That would mean that I gave up on you.  Every day, I wake up and think,
'This is the day that Giles will tell me that he's changed his mind.
That he realized that he made the biggest mistake in his life when he told
me that he thought we should stop being a couple.  That he misses seeing
me wake up in his bed as badly as I miss waking up there.'  And then I see
you, and I see that you still have that shield up."

"Shield?"  It was Giles' turn to be confused.  "What shield?"

Xander reached out and ran his fingers along the side of Giles' face,
gently tracing the older man's lips.  "The one that's not up right now."
Slowly, he shifted closer to Giles.  "The one that's usually there to keep
me away and stop me from doing this."

Both sets of eyelids slowly dropped as Xander gently rested his lips
against Giles'.  Once again, seconds passed before either moved, but this
time, things had changed.  More precisely, they reverted to old
interactions.  It was a contest.  Who would be the first to part his lips,
to invade the other's mouth with his tongue?  There were no losers, of
course, but they still played the game.

But this times things went differently.  Giles finally pulled away,
refusing to give in before Xander.  And when he opened his eyes, he found
a sparkly-eyed teen smiling at him.  "Did you feel it?  Is it down?"

"What?"  Dazed, Giles frowned, trying to recall what they had been
discussing.  "Oh.  The shield."  Xander nodded.  "I think so.  At least
I'm trying to keep it down."

A faint shadow crossed Xander's face, but it was gone before Giles could
react.  "Good.  Then I can do this again."  And he leaned back into Giles'
arms, gently tapping his tongue against a very familiar, very sensitive
spot behind Giles' ear.

But Giles carefully pushed Xander away.  "But we still need to talk.  Or
*I* need to talk.  Please?  If you're not going to hate me, I need to at
least know you had all the information you need.  Or at least everything I
can give you."

Resignedly, Xander nodded.  "You're going to keep bringing that up, aren't
you?"  Now Giles nodded.  Xander sighed.  "Okay.  Let's get it over with."

"All right."  To Xander's obvious surprise, Giles turned so he was facing
Xander and took the younger man's hands in his own.  "We're at different
points in our life, but we had something in common.  We were both
unneeded."  He lowered his gaze to their hands, gently stroking Xander's
thumbs with his own.  "And when we were together, I felt like you needed
me."

"I did.  I do.  I --"

Giles pulled one hand away long enough to press a finger against Xander's
mouth.  "Quiet, please?"  Xander nodded, and Giles returned his hand to
its previous position.  "As I was saying, I felt like you *needed* me.
And I stress that word for a reason.  Once Anya came back, you didn't need
me any more."

"Giles, you're wrong."

"What did I say about being quiet?"  But the words were delivered with a
smile, and Xander relaxed.  "You needed me because there was no one else
around for you.  Then she came back, and there was someone there for you.
So I stepped away."  The smile dissolved into a frown.  "I pushed you
away.  You didn't need me anymore."  He paused, waiting.  "What, aren't
you going to interrupt me again?"  Xander shook his head.  "Oh.  Well,
that was more or less all I had to say.  You stopped needing me.  It was
time for you to move on.  Time for you to go find a nice girl your own
age."

Again, Xander shook his head.  "You're wrong.  I didn't stop needing you."

"No?"  Now Giles' smile was sad.  "You seem to be doing quite well without
me."

Xander sat in silence, contemplating Giles' words.  "Well, maybe I don't
*need* you.  But I definitely *want* you."  He froze.  "Oh, god.  That was
out loud."  He sighed.  "Well, there it is.  Out in the open."

For long moments, their eyes were pinned to their hands, fingers still
intertwined, thumbs moving against each other.  Finally, Giles spoke.
"How long have you been thinking about this?"

Xander shrugged.  "How do you know I didn't just suddenly blurt that out
just like everything else?  That it was as much of a surprise to me as it
was to you to realize I feel this way about you?"

"No inner struggle."  Once again, he pulled one hand away from the other
three, this time lifting it to stroke Xander's face.  "You can't hide
anything."  Xander's eyes fell closed, and he leaned into the hand on his
cheek.  "Now I remember why I fell in love with you."  Xander's eyes
snapped open.  "Oh, no.  Now *that* was out loud.  I'm sorry."

Xander's face fell.  "You're sorry for falling in love with me?  Yeah, I
guess that's not one of the better things in life."  To Giles' horror,
Xander's voice was colored not with sarcasm or anger but with sad
acceptance.  Xander pulled his hands away from Giles and leaned back
against the couch, away from the older man, eyes closed.  "I guess I
should be going."

As he watched Xander, Giles quickly ran through his options.  Just let
Xander do whatever he decided to do?  Beg him to stay?  Attempt a rational
discussion?  Then he saw it.  Or, rather, them.

Tears, attempting to form along Xander's lashes.

Before he could reflect on his actions, Giles leaned forward and carefully
pressed his lips against Xander's right eye, following the kiss with a
gentle caress that wiped the tears away.  Then he repeated the action on
the other eye.  And he finished by linking his hands against the back of
Xander's head.  "No.  Never sorry for feeling what I do for you.  Sorry
for telling you about my feelings when you don't necessarily feel the same
way about me."

Xander sighed before opening his eyes.  "And what if I do?"

"Do what?"

"Feel the same way.  Love you."

No response.

"Giles?  Are you okay?"  Xander frowned.  "I did say that out loud, right?
Leave it to me to say something I didn't mean to and not say something I
did."  He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Giles'.  "I do.
Feel the same way.  I love you.  And don't say that I'm too young for this
or that I haven't thought things through.  Yeah, I'm young.  But you know
what? People get married when they're my age or just a little older.  And
their marriages last.  And then there are people who wait until they're
older, until they're 'ready,' and then they get divorced after just a
couple of years.  So you can't always know what's going to happen.  Plus,
hey, look where we live."

"Sunnydale?"

Xander shook his head.  "America in the 1990s.  California, to be precise.
Have you been on the freeways around here?"

Now Giles smiled.  "Point taken."  The smile faded, and he released
Xander's head.  "And the other part?"

"The part where I didn't think things through?"  Giles nodded.  Xander
shrugged, leaning back against the couch once more.  "Well, see, that's
where you're wrong.  I *have* been thinking about it.  A lot.
Constantly.  I've been thinking about kissing you and bringing you tea in
the morning and pretending to be asleep when I pull all the blankets away
from you and over me and making you dinner while you research and
pretending not to watch you when I know you're doing the same thing to
me."  Xander frowned again.  "Okay, so I've been doing a lot of that
pretending not to watch you lately, but that's different.  It's the
difference between *having* a secret and *sharing* a secret.  And I want
to share.  The secret, that is."

Giles considered Xander's words.  He opened his mouth to reply, but the
doorknob's rattle interrupted him.  "Xander?  Are you in there?"  Anya.
Now she began pounding on the door.  "Your mother said she thought you
were here.  Spike was doing shots with your uncle again, so you know how
coherent *he* was. " She tried the door again.

Sighing heavily, Giles began to stand to answer the door.  But Xander's
hand on his arm stopped him.  "Don't answer it?  Please?"  A whisper.
Giles turned to Xander, surprised.  "I don't want her to know I'm here."

"Sharing a secret?"  Giles carefully kept his voice low as well, hoping
that Anya would get bored and leave.

Xander shrugged.  "I just don't want to deal with her right now."

"Avoidance."

"No, I don't think so.  More like..."  He frowned, frustrated that he
couldn't find the right words to express his thought.  Then he smiled.
"I don't want to stop this."

"This?  What --"  He jumped as Xander's hands moved to Giles' pants,
unzipping the fly.  "Stop."

Xander froze and pulled away, guilty look firmly in place.  "I'm sorry."

"No.  You didn't do anything wrong.  I did."  When he saw Xander's sad
expression, he clarified.  "I made you stop.  Right now, stopping isn't
really something I want to do, but she's clearly not leaving until
*someone* goes to that door."  He paused, listening to the noise at his
door intently.  Then he zipped up his pants and rubbed his hands through
his hair, mussing it as if he had been sleeping.  He stood, pointing at
the couch.  "Down.  If you don't want her to see you, that is."  Xander
nodded and obeyed.  Giles moved to the entryway, deliberately yawning and
rubbing his eyes as he opened the door.  "Ah, Anya.  I'm sorry.  I was
asleep."

"Oh."  She shifted from one foot to the other.  "So Xander's not here?"
Giles shrugged.  She sighed.  "Okay."  And she was gone.

Giles shook his head as he closed the door and moved back to the couch.
"Well, that was easy."  He turned to gaze at the brunette stretched out on
his couch.  "Doesn't she have any hobbies?"

"Nope."  Xander's arms reached out for Giles.  "Can we talk about her
later?"

"Maybe we *should* talk about her now."  He sat down on the couch once
more, lifting Xander's legs onto his lap and removing the shoes and socks
on Xander's feet.

"Why?  I mean, she's why I'm here."

"What do you mean by that?"

Xander sighed.  "Whenever I'm with her, I end up comparing about her to
you."

He shivered as Giles brushed his fingers against the soles of Xander's
feet.  "Things like this?"  He began a careful foot massage.

"No, I mean --"  A quick gasp.  "Oh, just...  Right there?"  Smiling,
Giles cooperated.  "Okay, I guess I do mean this some of this.  But it's
more than just that.  Like how she gets frustrated when I try to avoid her
questions, and you just wait until you think I've forgotten that I'm not
answering a certain question before you rephrase it and ask again.
Tricking me into answering.  Or how your skin tastes after a shower.  Or
how you're several different people all rolled into one.  The school
librarian, Buffy's Watcher, Ripper, British gentleman of leisure, the guy
that makes those neat little gaspy noises when I lick you in just the
right place."  He picked up Giles' right hand, dipping his tongue between
the index and middle fingers.  And then smiled at the noise that was his
reward.  "Like that."

Giles glanced at the clock.  "Xander, the time."

Midnight.  "Oh, great.  Well, it's late, so I guess I'd better get going
and let you get some sleep."

"You could stay here."

Silence for several seconds.  "No, I don't think so.  Thanks for the
offer, but this lumpy couch versus my nice, comfy bed?  Even if it *is* in
the basement, it's better than this thing."

"No.  Not here."  Giles stood, holding one hand out to Xander.
"Upstairs."

Xander stood.  "Upstairs?"  Xander's voice broke with something that
sounded quote a bit like hope.

"Yes."

"With you?"  Xander flushed.  "I mean, I would hate to think that you
would give up your bed for me.  You shouldn't have to do that."

"Yes, with me.  Is there a problem with that idea?"

Xander shook his head.  "Just..."

Once more, Giles waited for more words that didn't come.  "Just what?
Make sure I have extra blankets?  Don't touch you?"

At those last three words, Xander's entire body slumped.  "Okay, bad
idea."  He turned to leave.

"Xander."  Giles' voice stopped Xander in his tracks, but he did not turn
around.  Giles moved to Xander, standing behind the shorter man.  "I was
asking if that is what you want.  That's not what I want."  He lowered his
mouth to Xander's neck, carefully kissing a path to Xander's ear. "And I
think you know what I want."  Giles closed his eyes and hoped that his
next move would not be badly received.

And he pressed his groin to Xander's back.

Xander froze.  But before Giles could form an apology, Xander's words
broke through the haze.

"Oh, yeah."  Xander grabbed one of Giles' hands and placed it on his own
now-swelling organ, groaning when Giles gently squeezed.

And Xander froze again.

"Um, Giles?"  The former librarian's heart sunk at the strangled quality
in Xander's voice.  Then Xander continued.  "Do you think we could get
upstairs?  Like, now?  I'm not in the mood for rugburns tonight, and I
don't want to explain another stain on the couch."

Grinning, Giles complied.  Once they were safely upstairs, he spoke.
"Xander?  Can I ask you to do a favor for me?"

"Anything."  Xander's hands went to work undressing Giles with practiced
ease.

"If that shield comes back down, would you break it down for me?"

"It depends."

"Depends?"

"Yeah."  Giles' shirt went flying through the air.  He sat down on the
edge of the bed, and Xander began reacquainting himself with the familiar
scars and muscles of Giles' chest. "Like right now, it's down around us.
Together.  You and me against everything.  Do you want it down now?"

Giles shook his head.  "No, I think we're good."

"But."  Now Xander tugged his own shirt over his head and turned his
attention back to Giles' mouth, finger dancing lightly over lips.  "If
it's just you trapped in there?  Of course."  Now he straddled Giles'
hips, sitting on Giles' thighs and leaning in and claiming Giles' mouth
for himself once again.  Finally, Xander pulled away, gazing seriously at
Giles once again.  "And you're wrong.  I *do* need you.  And you need me.
I need you to keep me centered, and you need me to knock you off balance
once in a while."  He moved back, unzipping Giles' pants once more.
"Ready to be unbalanced?"

Giles nodded.  "More than ever."

~~~ the end ~~~