*****

"If itís *ka*, itíll come like a wind, and your plans will stand before
it no more than a barn before a cyclone."
~From Wizard And Glass, by Stephen King
 

Darkness.

He swam in the blissful black, knowing nothing, seeing nothing, innately
loving every second of it.

Hiding.

The feeling of being shaken brought Xander slowly, groggily out of the
twilight. "WhaaÖ?" As Gilesí face came into view, his eyes worried,
nervous, his mind began to clear.

The rejection. As Xander sat up, rubbing the back of his head, Gilesí
voice filtered lightly into his ears.

"You fainted. . . hit the floor. . . I. . ."

But Xander barely heard him. His mind awoke fully, dumping the whole
load on him. The joy of knowing Giles felt the same way that he felt.
The horrific pain of rejection. Again. Rejected.

Whirling on Giles, Xanderís eyes blazed fire. "Why? Damn it, why?"

"I-I. . ."

"Why?" Slamming his hand down on the table, Xander exhaled forcefully.
"Why did you have to do that? Why? Make me all hopeful, give me a light
at the end of the tunnel, and then, blam!"

Giles shrank back, flabbergasted, completely at a loss of what to do.

"I thought Buffy was bad. I thought Cordelia was really bad. But you!"

"Xander, I-"

"Convince me that Iím gay, then dump me?" The room echoed with the sound
of his strangled cry. "Why?"

Wrung out, Xander sunk into a kitchen chair, his eyes devoid of emotion.
His shoulders slumped, his gaze sliding off of Giles and onto the floor.

"Why. . ." he whispered.

Warm hands covered his own. Xander looked up slowly, seeing the
librarian kneel down in front of him. Gilesí fingers caressed his cheek,
turning bringing their gazes together, as one.

"Xander, Iím sorry. . . I didnít mean to upset you so." With a look,
Giles silenced the retort coming to Xanderís lips.

"I do love you. But, some things. . . need to come before love. . ."
Even in his confusion, some part of Xander savored the spicy scent of
the tea, the musky aroma of Giles aftershave, the soft undertones they
made together. The rightness of it all.

But it was so wrong. So horribly wrong.

"Buffy needs me. She is going to be so opposed to the new Watcher. . .
sheíll need support, research, a helping, trusted hand. . . sheíll need
me."

"But what does this have to-"

"The Council is going to keep strict watch over me. They do not want a
single out of line move. If I cross their path, they will move me out of
Sunnydale. . . by any means necessary."

Giles sighed deeply, rubbing Xanderís cheek with the softness of a
lover. "A relationship with a teenager, a male teenager at that, would
put both myself and you at danger."

Xander felt the librarianís gaze pierce into his mind, his heart.

"They are ruthless. And. . . I love you too much to risk losing you."

A lone tear leaked out of Xanderís eye, trickling over his skin slowly,
leaving a moist trail. Giles leaned up, pressing his lips on the wet
spots, warming the lines of coolness. The lingering sensation of his
mouth left Xander silent, lost in Gilesí touch. They sat, faces pressed
softly against each other, saying nothing, only the contented rumble of
the iceboxís machinery piercing the still air.

Finally, Xander could take it no longer. "But why. . ."

"I didnít expect you to love me back. But when I knew. . . when I saw
your face, your pain, I couldnít let you go on thinking you were alone."

Before Xander could begin to reply, Giles silenced him with a kiss.
Their lips met, Xanderís "o" of surprise melting away. It began small,
then grew, lips parting, tongues caressing, the hunger they both felt
steaming the bond between them over.

Neither shut their eyes.

*****

"I donít accept this, you know."

Xander stood in the door, looking at his feet. His mouth quivered, his
skin craving Gilesí touch.

"See you tomorrow, Xander. As friends." As he twisted his head up,
Xander only caught a fleeting glance of Gilesí face. But the pain there
was enough for a lifetime. Then the door shut, the bolt snapped.

And Xander slowly turned towards home.

~fin~